May
Citizens of the Thursday Detention empire,
This is the last edition of Thursday Detention. The final one. The last hurrah. You have one more edition of unbiased writing before you are faced with the task of finding a new news source. Perhaps Fox? CNN? PBS? All perish in comparison. We will personally mail tissue to our most devoted fans, who will no doubt read articles between tear wipes. In all seriousness, it has been the greatest pleasure of our academic careers to serve as your editors. We are forever grateful for our sexy, bold, substantial fan base. Our legacy will live on with our next editor ABG, as we delicately transfer our great power, vast estates, and loaded bank accounts to her. For the last time, please enjoy this week’s edition of Thursday Detention and please commit lots of crime while we hibernate and prepare for our return in the fall.
Yours truly,
Ethel and Knee
This is the last edition of Thursday Detention. The final one. The last hurrah. You have one more edition of unbiased writing before you are faced with the task of finding a new news source. Perhaps Fox? CNN? PBS? All perish in comparison. We will personally mail tissue to our most devoted fans, who will no doubt read articles between tear wipes. In all seriousness, it has been the greatest pleasure of our academic careers to serve as your editors. We are forever grateful for our sexy, bold, substantial fan base. Our legacy will live on with our next editor ABG, as we delicately transfer our great power, vast estates, and loaded bank accounts to her. For the last time, please enjoy this week’s edition of Thursday Detention and please commit lots of crime while we hibernate and prepare for our return in the fall.
Yours truly,
Ethel and Knee
April
Dear Readers,
Summer is near! The beach is beckoning! The Amish are arriving! Our latest edition serves as the final push you need to get through the end of the semester, filling your minds with facts of paramount importance and daring encounters with Warheads. As you read, envision yourself on a sandy beach, goat yoga to your left, preteen surf camp to your right. You are getting very sunburnt, you have your latest copy of TD, and seagull feces has narrowly missed your head. Life is good. BE WARNED for once you open your eyes you will likely find yourself sitting NOT at a beach, reading NOT TD, and with seagull feces NOT missing your head. Just like the aforementioned beach fantasy, all good things must come to an end. As we begin the process of being flung from the nest, we look ahead at the bright BRIGHT future of Thursday Detention. Only the fiercest and most formidable of our writers have survived our fear tactics and threats, and we look forward to expanding our TD family next year, adding more children to our minivan family bumper sticker collection. We hope you enjoy this edition (or don’t) and consider writing for Thursday Detention next year.
Ethel and Knee
Summer is near! The beach is beckoning! The Amish are arriving! Our latest edition serves as the final push you need to get through the end of the semester, filling your minds with facts of paramount importance and daring encounters with Warheads. As you read, envision yourself on a sandy beach, goat yoga to your left, preteen surf camp to your right. You are getting very sunburnt, you have your latest copy of TD, and seagull feces has narrowly missed your head. Life is good. BE WARNED for once you open your eyes you will likely find yourself sitting NOT at a beach, reading NOT TD, and with seagull feces NOT missing your head. Just like the aforementioned beach fantasy, all good things must come to an end. As we begin the process of being flung from the nest, we look ahead at the bright BRIGHT future of Thursday Detention. Only the fiercest and most formidable of our writers have survived our fear tactics and threats, and we look forward to expanding our TD family next year, adding more children to our minivan family bumper sticker collection. We hope you enjoy this edition (or don’t) and consider writing for Thursday Detention next year.
Ethel and Knee
March part 2 (because we love you)
Dearest readers,
What a glorious time of year it is! Spring has sprung, the flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. We know that reading is tiresome and the last thing you want is to learn more, but it is our duty to provide you with the ultimate list of dos and don’ts for your spring break:
Your editors,
Ethel and Knee
What a glorious time of year it is! Spring has sprung, the flowers are blooming, and the sun is shining. We know that reading is tiresome and the last thing you want is to learn more, but it is our duty to provide you with the ultimate list of dos and don’ts for your spring break:
- DON'T eat fish that has not been properly stored.
- DO start a sandcrab empire at the beach.
- DON’T mix your light and dark laundry in the wash.
- DO get you $3.44 pizza from Blaze for pi day (yes, 3.44, not 3.14).
- DON’T steal rolling chairs from the English department office.
- DO start birdwatching (see if you can spot an albino peacock).
Your editors,
Ethel and Knee
March
Top of the morning to ya, dear readers!
Welcome to the month of March! As the sun starts shining and shamrock shakes start appearing, it is a sign that we can start counting down the days until summer. We wanted to take this time to bring awareness to some new campus inhabitants. One might think that the scurry of squirrels that greet us (and our lunches) everyday are our prime concern, but the month of March brings with it a new group: the leprechauns. This is the time to protect your ginger classmates, who may be mistaken for leprechauns, as they may be harassed for pots of gold or rainbows that they do not possess. Should you encounter a REAL leprechaun, be cautious of what food you give them, as they are SEVERELY lactose intolerant and prefer to eat wildflowers. March can also be the time to learn a new form of exercise: step dancing. While the gym offers an attractive array of weights and treadmills, there is nothing more majestic than the jump and kicks of a classic riverdance. Along with St. Patrick’s Day, March brings with it Women’s History Month, which gives us a chance to relish the spotlight, as Thursday Detention was founded by three benevolent and powerful women (sos, vlad, and soup). It is also our responsibility to educate men on a few fascinating facts about women that the probably do not know:
All our love,
Ethel and Knee
Welcome to the month of March! As the sun starts shining and shamrock shakes start appearing, it is a sign that we can start counting down the days until summer. We wanted to take this time to bring awareness to some new campus inhabitants. One might think that the scurry of squirrels that greet us (and our lunches) everyday are our prime concern, but the month of March brings with it a new group: the leprechauns. This is the time to protect your ginger classmates, who may be mistaken for leprechauns, as they may be harassed for pots of gold or rainbows that they do not possess. Should you encounter a REAL leprechaun, be cautious of what food you give them, as they are SEVERELY lactose intolerant and prefer to eat wildflowers. March can also be the time to learn a new form of exercise: step dancing. While the gym offers an attractive array of weights and treadmills, there is nothing more majestic than the jump and kicks of a classic riverdance. Along with St. Patrick’s Day, March brings with it Women’s History Month, which gives us a chance to relish the spotlight, as Thursday Detention was founded by three benevolent and powerful women (sos, vlad, and soup). It is also our responsibility to educate men on a few fascinating facts about women that the probably do not know:
- Women do not sleep. Ever. Not even for a millisecond.
- Women shed their skin every 4-8 weeks just like the leopard gecko.
- Women have a third eye on the back of their heads, which is why they always have headaches.
All our love,
Ethel and Knee
February
Ah, dear readers! What a time it is. There are so many amazing and SUPER important things to look forward to this month: Valentine’s Day, Winter Olympics, Superbowl Sunday, and most importantly, more Thursday Detention content for you to feast your eyes upon. This girl scout cookie season, you will dive deep into one writer’s Voldemort ode and find the best gifts to give your loved ones on Valentine’s Day. This year, we chose to enlighten you with an alternative version of last year’s Valentine’s Day poem:
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate significant figures,
And I know you do too.
Roses are red,
Violets are violet,
Don’t tell me they’re blue,
Or I’ll start a riot.
Roses are red,
Violets are old,
You can eat them with sugar,
At least that's what I’ve been told.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Even though I’m a vegetarian,
I love beef wagyu.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We hope you’ll be our Valentine,
Because you have so few.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate significant figures,
And I know you do too.
Roses are red,
Violets are violet,
Don’t tell me they’re blue,
Or I’ll start a riot.
Roses are red,
Violets are old,
You can eat them with sugar,
At least that's what I’ve been told.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Even though I’m a vegetarian,
I love beef wagyu.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We hope you’ll be our Valentine,
Because you have so few.
January
Happy New Years, readers!
Knee and Ethel are so grateful that our loyal fanbase has stayed with us for yet another unprecedented year in which we were not banned from reporting current news.
With the new year brings a new dawn of hope. It is a chance to yet again set goals and make promises that we will never pay attention to come January 2. If you are really ambitious, you might even reinvest in a planner. We hope you spent your, essentially, month-long break doing as many productive things as we have! Knee used her time wisely, learning how to use her big toes like opposable thumbs. Next month she plans to teach her feet to steer a car! Ethel has created her own SoundCloud account and has been free-styling her own "bars" as she calls them since December!
We hope that this year has lots to look forward, diagonally and upward to. We are grateful for every day that the Thursday Detention site is not terminated. Our collective goal this year is, in essence, to propagate the messages of Thursday Detention far and wide, and of course surpass the Wall Street Journal in subscribers. This edition, we hope you leave the site instilled with a fear of Shein (if you haven’t already been petrified) and with a Web MD level understanding of bodily functions.
On a final note of inspiration, we must remember that throughout this new year of becoming your most authentic self, “it matters not what you have done, but what you do with what you’ve done for others.” - Lana Del Ray 2016
Knee and Ethel are so grateful that our loyal fanbase has stayed with us for yet another unprecedented year in which we were not banned from reporting current news.
With the new year brings a new dawn of hope. It is a chance to yet again set goals and make promises that we will never pay attention to come January 2. If you are really ambitious, you might even reinvest in a planner. We hope you spent your, essentially, month-long break doing as many productive things as we have! Knee used her time wisely, learning how to use her big toes like opposable thumbs. Next month she plans to teach her feet to steer a car! Ethel has created her own SoundCloud account and has been free-styling her own "bars" as she calls them since December!
We hope that this year has lots to look forward, diagonally and upward to. We are grateful for every day that the Thursday Detention site is not terminated. Our collective goal this year is, in essence, to propagate the messages of Thursday Detention far and wide, and of course surpass the Wall Street Journal in subscribers. This edition, we hope you leave the site instilled with a fear of Shein (if you haven’t already been petrified) and with a Web MD level understanding of bodily functions.
On a final note of inspiration, we must remember that throughout this new year of becoming your most authentic self, “it matters not what you have done, but what you do with what you’ve done for others.” - Lana Del Ray 2016
December
Here ye, here ye! The latest and most certainly GREATEST edition of Thursday Detention is blessing your digital chunks of technology this fine morning/afternoon/evening/2amwhenyouareprocrastinatingonenglish. As we head into the most celebratory month of the year, we the writers dedicated to our biased reporting come to you bearing our gifts: frogs, Hamlet, and, most importantly, bingo. This is, of course, only if you have been good this year. If you have not, we highly judge you and send virtual coal your way. As we endure the great Los Angeles winters of blizzards, snowstorms, and a surprising Ugg comeback just to bring you these stories, we hope you can enjoy them while cuddled up with your Gluten-Free Dairy-Free Vegan Hot Chocolate. If not, black coffee will suffice. With major Holidays in our midst, we must remember to value and appreciate the most important one: Mariah Carey season. As we all inevitably contribute to the 1 million dollars she makes every winter season, we’d like to make some suggestions for our favorite alternative holiday songs:
⁃ Christmas Unicorn
⁃ I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus
⁃ Sleigh Ride by C-3PO and R2-D2
Happy Holidays, dear readers, and we will see you next year!
Love,
Ethel and Knee
November
Good evening (or morning or afternoon) to our devoted Thursday Detention fanbase! Shockingly, we have been allowed back for yet another month of totally unbiased, dreadfully serious reporting. Now that Halloween is over, we might as well say Happy Holidays as we enter the month of pre-December. Now is the time to procrastinate on work by online shopping for absolutely necessary Christmas list items, such as a Hello Kitty Popcorn maker and a Paris Hilton windshield cover. Or, you could be an anomaly and simply look forward to Thanksgiving. Whatever this month holds in store for you, we are glad you make your bi-weekly pit stop at America’s most beloved news source and NYT’s most prevalent competition: this very website. Our team of diligent and devoted writers have been undercover, deep in the trenches of all-girls school, to bring you first hand experiences and recounts of the most bready and important events this week including: the convenient correlation between wheat and literary devices, life with a gluten allergy, and even a love letter to Bill Hader. So please: sit back, relax, and have a Merry November, dear reader.
Love,
Ethel and Knee
October
Hello Thursday Detention Reader!
Ethel (Grace Nakane) and Knee (Annabel Gold) are so excited to have you here for the second year of Thursday Detention. As our beloved predecessors (Sosi Day), vlad (Caroline Lopez), and soup (Sophia Haydon-Khan) have now left the nest and gone to college to become Einsteins, we have taken up their legacy, and want to clear some things up.
Lots of Thursday love,
Your newest editors Ethel and Knee
Click here to see letters from the 2020-2021 school year!
Here ye, here ye! The latest and most certainly GREATEST edition of Thursday Detention is blessing your digital chunks of technology this fine morning/afternoon/evening/2amwhenyouareprocrastinatingonenglish. As we head into the most celebratory month of the year, we the writers dedicated to our biased reporting come to you bearing our gifts: frogs, Hamlet, and, most importantly, bingo. This is, of course, only if you have been good this year. If you have not, we highly judge you and send virtual coal your way. As we endure the great Los Angeles winters of blizzards, snowstorms, and a surprising Ugg comeback just to bring you these stories, we hope you can enjoy them while cuddled up with your Gluten-Free Dairy-Free Vegan Hot Chocolate. If not, black coffee will suffice. With major Holidays in our midst, we must remember to value and appreciate the most important one: Mariah Carey season. As we all inevitably contribute to the 1 million dollars she makes every winter season, we’d like to make some suggestions for our favorite alternative holiday songs:
⁃ Christmas Unicorn
⁃ I’m Gonna Lasso Santa Claus
⁃ Sleigh Ride by C-3PO and R2-D2
Happy Holidays, dear readers, and we will see you next year!
Love,
Ethel and Knee
November
Good evening (or morning or afternoon) to our devoted Thursday Detention fanbase! Shockingly, we have been allowed back for yet another month of totally unbiased, dreadfully serious reporting. Now that Halloween is over, we might as well say Happy Holidays as we enter the month of pre-December. Now is the time to procrastinate on work by online shopping for absolutely necessary Christmas list items, such as a Hello Kitty Popcorn maker and a Paris Hilton windshield cover. Or, you could be an anomaly and simply look forward to Thanksgiving. Whatever this month holds in store for you, we are glad you make your bi-weekly pit stop at America’s most beloved news source and NYT’s most prevalent competition: this very website. Our team of diligent and devoted writers have been undercover, deep in the trenches of all-girls school, to bring you first hand experiences and recounts of the most bready and important events this week including: the convenient correlation between wheat and literary devices, life with a gluten allergy, and even a love letter to Bill Hader. So please: sit back, relax, and have a Merry November, dear reader.
Love,
Ethel and Knee
October
Hello Thursday Detention Reader!
Ethel (Grace Nakane) and Knee (Annabel Gold) are so excited to have you here for the second year of Thursday Detention. As our beloved predecessors (Sosi Day), vlad (Caroline Lopez), and soup (Sophia Haydon-Khan) have now left the nest and gone to college to become Einsteins, we have taken up their legacy, and want to clear some things up.
- We are incredibly qualified for this position. We want our readers to be rest assured that we may even be over-qualified. Our resumés include commitments such as JV Soccer, Sophomore chemistry, and life-long careers of being excellent spellers. We hold this position with great admiration and respect, as we know Thursday Detention is an infuential global institution.
- We have traveled the world to put together this year’s best-of-the-best writing staff. We bring you monumental artists such as Bean, and we even scored the world-renowned Ripper. We will not fail you, reader.
- Everything we write can and will be used against us, including Stock images trying to sue us last year (water under the bridge, we won’t get into it). Kidding. No, but really, everything we say is not to be taken literally, and certainly not legally.
Lots of Thursday love,
Your newest editors Ethel and Knee
Click here to see letters from the 2020-2021 school year!
