Disclaimer: all quotes, stories, and claims made in this article are fictional.
As the pandemic wears on, hours behind computer screens leave one longing for simpler times. That’s why Westridge has decided to instate “Throwback Thursday,” in which Westridge will “throw back” to the mid 1800s. According to Mrs. McGregor, “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Now it’s too late – the steam locomotive has left the station. I’m English.” On the name, she noted “no, no one will be throwing it back; please stop asking me.” Because of the lack of internet, computers, and the like, classes will be held by telegram, so make sure to brush up on your Morse code. Students should wear bell shaped skirts, large moustaches, and antiquated gender roles. A random one percent of students will be expected to live on palatial estates and to throw large parties, while the rest of the students can choose to be either farmers or the urban poor. Needless to say, women are too fragile for higher education, so students who are girls should be focused instead on finding husbands. Said one anonymous student, class of 2021, “Okay with me. Frankly, I think this focus on being capable individuals with control over their own lives is getting a bit much. Feminism has gone too far.”
Mirroring the changes of school format on Thursdays, the curriculum will also change. The Origin of Species hasn’t been published yet and we don’t know anything about genetics, so eco/evo will be cancelled, as well as large parts of other biology classes. According to Science Department chair Ms. Hatchman, who wore a sharp top hat and monocle to her interview, “reflecting on it now, the weak female constitution is likely not capable of learning science at all. Being an anatomy expert, I can testify their wombs would explode.” English and history will also be dramatically changed. English classes will focus on old classics like Heart of Darkness, Gone with the Wind, and The White Man’s Burden. Writing with your left hand will now be banned, as it is a sign of the devil. Should a student be caught doing so, some good old-fashioned corporal punishment will be administered by telegram. Students should mind their grammar, as proper English is the best way to find an upper-class husband. History classes will focus on the accomplishments of the civilized world, like colonization. On Thursdays, all students will be required to learn Latin. French and Italian will also be available as electives. Assemblies on Thursdays will exclusively discuss etiquette. “Jolly good fun, jolly good fun” says Ms. Coker, dean of student activities, on the new curriculum and activities schedule. And jolly good fun it will be – get out your corsets, horse drawn carriages, and pipes, because Westridge is throwing it back in time!