6.3: Budderball Steps Up
Dear Reader,
This week, I am excited to announce an edition exclusively written by my favorite staffer (don't tell the other dweebs I said that), BUDDERBALL! Budderball expertly crafted articles about the NFL, ASD, and how we as an organization are not funny anymore due to poor management.
On second thought, maybe Budderball isn't my favorite.
Anyway, go read ALL 9 articles PLUS the Thursday Detention-themed Connections puzzle Budderball created. It's as good for your soul as Budderball Turkey.
With love,
Mia
This week, I am excited to announce an edition exclusively written by my favorite staffer (don't tell the other dweebs I said that), BUDDERBALL! Budderball expertly crafted articles about the NFL, ASD, and how we as an organization are not funny anymore due to poor management.
On second thought, maybe Budderball isn't my favorite.
Anyway, go read ALL 9 articles PLUS the Thursday Detention-themed Connections puzzle Budderball created. It's as good for your soul as Budderball Turkey.
With love,
Mia
6.2: Apple Denies Freedom of Press
Hi,
If you are reading this in real time, you know that this edition is arriving at noon on Thursday, instead of our usual drop time at 2 ish in the morning. My MacBook won’t turn on, and I am subject to uploading this on Weebly the app. My apologies for the janky appearance of some articles. However, the two articles lambasting me as an abusive editor don’t deserve proper interface, anyway.
Please enjoy,
Mia
If you are reading this in real time, you know that this edition is arriving at noon on Thursday, instead of our usual drop time at 2 ish in the morning. My MacBook won’t turn on, and I am subject to uploading this on Weebly the app. My apologies for the janky appearance of some articles. However, the two articles lambasting me as an abusive editor don’t deserve proper interface, anyway.
Please enjoy,
Mia
6.1: Thursday Detention Reappears
Dear Reader,
Welcome back! We here at Thursday Detention solemnly apologize for our extended hiatus; you know how it be sometimes. However, we as an organization value quality over quantity, so hopefully our 5 articles after a 2-month break make it up to you. The article of the edition goes to Ms. Cutler, who penned a passionate defense for the American classic, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese. Thank you, Ms. Jennifer Cutler, for taking time away from consoling broken Westridge folks about their horrifying A-s to write this piece. For our topical spoofs, we offer the criteria for Gary Baldwin's successor and a review of Saltburn, a film that epitomizes "Go on girl, give us nothing." For a less topical piece, we share with you the lesser known news of the fistfight that broke out at Yam Festival, as our legal time advised us to hold back on publishing it. However, now is the time for the victims to give their testimony, and for our 3 featured Thursday Detention writers to share theirs.
Please enjoy. Once again, direct any complaints towards Gary Baldwin to help him feel amped up about getting the f*** out of here.
-Mia
Welcome back! We here at Thursday Detention solemnly apologize for our extended hiatus; you know how it be sometimes. However, we as an organization value quality over quantity, so hopefully our 5 articles after a 2-month break make it up to you. The article of the edition goes to Ms. Cutler, who penned a passionate defense for the American classic, Kraft Mac 'n Cheese. Thank you, Ms. Jennifer Cutler, for taking time away from consoling broken Westridge folks about their horrifying A-s to write this piece. For our topical spoofs, we offer the criteria for Gary Baldwin's successor and a review of Saltburn, a film that epitomizes "Go on girl, give us nothing." For a less topical piece, we share with you the lesser known news of the fistfight that broke out at Yam Festival, as our legal time advised us to hold back on publishing it. However, now is the time for the victims to give their testimony, and for our 3 featured Thursday Detention writers to share theirs.
Please enjoy. Once again, direct any complaints towards Gary Baldwin to help him feel amped up about getting the f*** out of here.
-Mia
6.0: Plead the Fifth!
It has come to my attention that no one reads these letters I pen bi-weekly. In that case, I will journal a fairly recent health surprise to fill this space instead.
While cramming a fistful of Trader Joe's French Vanilla Ice Cream into my gob, my father approached me with a grave expression. I asked him, "What is up, dog?"
He said, "Dog, you have high triglycerides."
I said, "What?"
He said, "Look it up."
Instead, I went to school and asked resident health professional Dr. Skophammer about what a "tryiglyceride" was. After vehemently asserting he was not a doctor, Dr. Skophammer claimed I had to cut processed, simple carbs and do more cardio.
After receiving this news, I was determined to reverse my pre-pre-diabetic diagnosis. I shed a few tears looking at my un-syruped Kona Ice cone. I turned down offers to indulge in cotton candy. I thought I was finally alleviating my sweet tooth.
Until I had to write my supplementals and gorged a Häagen-Dazs bar every day for a week to feel joy again.
I am doomed.
-Mia
While cramming a fistful of Trader Joe's French Vanilla Ice Cream into my gob, my father approached me with a grave expression. I asked him, "What is up, dog?"
He said, "Dog, you have high triglycerides."
I said, "What?"
He said, "Look it up."
Instead, I went to school and asked resident health professional Dr. Skophammer about what a "tryiglyceride" was. After vehemently asserting he was not a doctor, Dr. Skophammer claimed I had to cut processed, simple carbs and do more cardio.
After receiving this news, I was determined to reverse my pre-pre-diabetic diagnosis. I shed a few tears looking at my un-syruped Kona Ice cone. I turned down offers to indulge in cotton candy. I thought I was finally alleviating my sweet tooth.
Until I had to write my supplementals and gorged a Häagen-Dazs bar every day for a week to feel joy again.
I am doomed.
-Mia
5.9: Da Fourth Edition
Read it.
-Mia
-Mia
5.8: Third Time's the Charm
Hi, folks. We are back again for a third edition. We have articles comparing me, Mia Nagai, to recently fired Speaker of the House. We have an exposé on the Westridge rocketry team that is actually a front for our meth lab. Lastly, a misogyny manifesto, fitting for our all girls' school. Please enjoy.
-Mia
-Mia
5.7 FOLLOW-UP
We are back from a 3-week long hiatus for another edition! If you read last week's Stallstreet Journal, you would know that I, evil network executive, refused to pay my writers a livable wage and drove them to strike. I pulled a Reagan and I threatened to fire them if they didn't come back to work. You're welcome!
This week, we have a piece on the Westridge Federation of Teachers striking. God, there are so many strikes right now. Where are my fellow union-busters at? We have advice on how to cut that atrocious lunch line, reporting on the fingerlingerers, and a close reading of our national anthem, Surgere Tentamus. Amidst our rocky political atmosphere, from McCarthy being ousted as Speaker just as quickly as Senator Liang was, to all 2,000 of Trump's indictments, I hope our equally perplexing articles do not offer any kind of solace at all.
Happy reading,
Mia
This week, we have a piece on the Westridge Federation of Teachers striking. God, there are so many strikes right now. Where are my fellow union-busters at? We have advice on how to cut that atrocious lunch line, reporting on the fingerlingerers, and a close reading of our national anthem, Surgere Tentamus. Amidst our rocky political atmosphere, from McCarthy being ousted as Speaker just as quickly as Senator Liang was, to all 2,000 of Trump's indictments, I hope our equally perplexing articles do not offer any kind of solace at all.
Happy reading,
Mia
5.6: FIRST EDITION OF THE YEAR
Hello, all.
This is my, Mia, aka MUMP's, first Thursday Detention edition as editor. I hope I did not disappoint. If you feel so inclined to throw something at me, please make it be Trolli Sour Gummy worms. I would take a beating for those.
Your hardworking Thursday Detention writers have pumped out incredible articles to start this year out strong, such as a plea for the restoration of our vending machine, a bold confessional about the time they got kicked out of Popping Yolk before returning to clog their toilet, and some conspiracy theories about our institution. We hope these pieces will inspire you to branch away and grow apart or whatever the ASB theme is this year. Although Ms. Coker facilitates the funding for this site, I will not allow her overseeing of ASB to affect our very biased reporting on those suspicious student leaders. What does ASB stand for, anyway?
Please enjoy this edition. Feel free to submit any grievances into that mailbox outside Mr. Baldwin's office.
-Mia
This is my, Mia, aka MUMP's, first Thursday Detention edition as editor. I hope I did not disappoint. If you feel so inclined to throw something at me, please make it be Trolli Sour Gummy worms. I would take a beating for those.
Your hardworking Thursday Detention writers have pumped out incredible articles to start this year out strong, such as a plea for the restoration of our vending machine, a bold confessional about the time they got kicked out of Popping Yolk before returning to clog their toilet, and some conspiracy theories about our institution. We hope these pieces will inspire you to branch away and grow apart or whatever the ASB theme is this year. Although Ms. Coker facilitates the funding for this site, I will not allow her overseeing of ASB to affect our very biased reporting on those suspicious student leaders. What does ASB stand for, anyway?
Please enjoy this edition. Feel free to submit any grievances into that mailbox outside Mr. Baldwin's office.
-Mia