Disclaimer: all quotes, stories, and claims made in this article are fictional.
With the 140th US Open in full swing, and most of the country relegated to their homes, viewership for this year’s tournament is in the hundreds of thousands. One of those hundreds of thousands is President Trump himself.
Although he has skirted almost all of his presidential duties to make time for live broadcasts of matches, the tennis community says they “appreciate his virtual attendance and support of a sport he would probably ban if he could. After all, tennis is no golf.”
This year’s tournament has looked markedly different than those of past years. Players were required to show up to the grounds in Flushing, NY three weeks prior to the opening ceremony to stay in the “bubble,” which officials built as a precaution for the COVID-19 virus.
Many fans interpreted the phrase “bubble” figuratively, but players have since confirmed that they were actually asked to transfer all of their belongings into life-sized hamster balls in which they rolled around the grounds.
On the men’s side of play, number one seed Novak Djokovic was given personalized rules for his bubble. After accidentally smacking a line judge in the jugular with a ball, he was disqualified from his round of sixteen match, but officials insisted he step into his bubble immediately upon disqualification, roll it out of the tournament, and kindly see himself to LaGuardia Airport. Djokovic was last seen stopping by the Dippin’ Dots station at the entrance to the site.
When President Trump got word of Djokovic’s ejection, he took to Twitter, calling the US Open “fiercely patriotic. I think it’s greatly admirable that the wonderful officials decided to kick that Serbian guy out of the tournament. If only it was that easy with immigrants…”
However, as the tournament was coming to a close, two female players uploaded a picture to social media network Instagram of themselves in the same hamster ball. Questions were raised about their shared space and speculation quickly arose about the nature of their relationship.
The two were forced to make an official statement to viewers, explaining that they had “been dating for several years,” but legendary tennis player and (legendary) homophobe Margaret Court urged them to “keep it in their pants” or they would end up like Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova. “What awful people to look up to,” Court said in a follow-up interview.
Upon discovering that the tennis world is full of lesbians, President Trump felt it necessary to take to Twitter once again, retracting his earlier statement on the “fiercely patriotic” nature of the US Open and instead deeming it “disgraceful and a hugely disgusting portrayal of our fantastic country.” He continued, “When will I be able to watch sports without all the gross displays of humanity?”
Well, President Trump, it seems that won’t happen any time soon -- sports are back and filled with more social commentary than ever. Watch your back, Megan Rapinoe’s coming for you.
With the 140th US Open in full swing, and most of the country relegated to their homes, viewership for this year’s tournament is in the hundreds of thousands. One of those hundreds of thousands is President Trump himself.
Although he has skirted almost all of his presidential duties to make time for live broadcasts of matches, the tennis community says they “appreciate his virtual attendance and support of a sport he would probably ban if he could. After all, tennis is no golf.”
This year’s tournament has looked markedly different than those of past years. Players were required to show up to the grounds in Flushing, NY three weeks prior to the opening ceremony to stay in the “bubble,” which officials built as a precaution for the COVID-19 virus.
Many fans interpreted the phrase “bubble” figuratively, but players have since confirmed that they were actually asked to transfer all of their belongings into life-sized hamster balls in which they rolled around the grounds.
On the men’s side of play, number one seed Novak Djokovic was given personalized rules for his bubble. After accidentally smacking a line judge in the jugular with a ball, he was disqualified from his round of sixteen match, but officials insisted he step into his bubble immediately upon disqualification, roll it out of the tournament, and kindly see himself to LaGuardia Airport. Djokovic was last seen stopping by the Dippin’ Dots station at the entrance to the site.
When President Trump got word of Djokovic’s ejection, he took to Twitter, calling the US Open “fiercely patriotic. I think it’s greatly admirable that the wonderful officials decided to kick that Serbian guy out of the tournament. If only it was that easy with immigrants…”
However, as the tournament was coming to a close, two female players uploaded a picture to social media network Instagram of themselves in the same hamster ball. Questions were raised about their shared space and speculation quickly arose about the nature of their relationship.
The two were forced to make an official statement to viewers, explaining that they had “been dating for several years,” but legendary tennis player and (legendary) homophobe Margaret Court urged them to “keep it in their pants” or they would end up like Billie Jean King and Martina Navratilova. “What awful people to look up to,” Court said in a follow-up interview.
Upon discovering that the tennis world is full of lesbians, President Trump felt it necessary to take to Twitter once again, retracting his earlier statement on the “fiercely patriotic” nature of the US Open and instead deeming it “disgraceful and a hugely disgusting portrayal of our fantastic country.” He continued, “When will I be able to watch sports without all the gross displays of humanity?”
Well, President Trump, it seems that won’t happen any time soon -- sports are back and filled with more social commentary than ever. Watch your back, Megan Rapinoe’s coming for you.