Disclaimer: all quotes, stories, and claims made in this article are fictional. Except the claim that we are not a reliable news source. That, unfortunately, is entirely true. And the staggering number of page-views! Keep them coming :)
Yesterday, as I was sipping my morning unsweetened coffee, reading the newspaper, and polishing my magnifying glass (you know – detective stuff), my old-fashioned landline rang twice before I could pick it up. I listened to a few seconds of muffled speaking, hung up the phone, and glared straight at the camera with a defiant look – It was time to do what I do best: detectivating. Could what the informant said be true? Could Thursday Detention, my most trusted news source, really be spreading fake news? How could they, with such a trustworthy name?! Wearing my sharpest black fedora, I started sleuthing around the dark corners of the site. Before long (since I’m an expert detective), I’d uncovered some interesting facts. According to my expert hacker skillz, there’d been over 5,400 page-views but only 2 unique visits. Something wasn’t adding up. Perhaps the editors had a hired (or worse, kidnapped!!??) user who roams the site like a ghost, clicking pages with reckless abandon much like Spiders Georg. I also found some names – apparently, the people behind the newspaper were Sosi, Sophia, and Caroline. Their emails were even listed – it was time to write a letter to the editors.
I decided it would be best to arrange a meeting under false pretenses. My email was as follows:
Dearest Thursday Detention Editors,
I happen to a have a very non-suspicious reason to be on Microsoft teams at 12:30 tomorrow. Will you meet me, to discuss an unspecified but non-suspicious small matter?
Cordial Regards,
[REDACTED]
I should note that I didn’t censor the text of the email; I just always sign that way. After a little cajoling, I’d gotten them to agree to a meeting. As soon as I got there, however, Sosi’s video feed froze, for a split second, before blinking off and then back on. What could she be hiding? A dirty secret? An illegal income source? Bad wifi?? Using my godlike skills as a private eye, I tricked them into saying a bit too much – under questioning, Caroline admitted that there were no actual squirrels holding Olympics on the Westridge campus! Soon after, the editors hung up suddenly claiming they had to “go to class.” Likely story.
What else could be made up? Was it all just a corporate ploy? I had noticed that an odd fraction of the content was sandwich-themed. On further examination of the page, their thin cover as a newspaper quickly fell away – not only were many of the news stories completely false, but some include fake quotes, or even fictional people! What are they trying to prove? Who are they working for? Perhaps this supposed “Mrs. McGregor” – but is that even a real person? Does “Westridge” even exist, or is it just the cover story of this vicious ex-con? What about “Thursday”??? For now, these mysteries must remain unsolved. But I can leave you with this – do not trust Thursday Detention!
Yesterday, as I was sipping my morning unsweetened coffee, reading the newspaper, and polishing my magnifying glass (you know – detective stuff), my old-fashioned landline rang twice before I could pick it up. I listened to a few seconds of muffled speaking, hung up the phone, and glared straight at the camera with a defiant look – It was time to do what I do best: detectivating. Could what the informant said be true? Could Thursday Detention, my most trusted news source, really be spreading fake news? How could they, with such a trustworthy name?! Wearing my sharpest black fedora, I started sleuthing around the dark corners of the site. Before long (since I’m an expert detective), I’d uncovered some interesting facts. According to my expert hacker skillz, there’d been over 5,400 page-views but only 2 unique visits. Something wasn’t adding up. Perhaps the editors had a hired (or worse, kidnapped!!??) user who roams the site like a ghost, clicking pages with reckless abandon much like Spiders Georg. I also found some names – apparently, the people behind the newspaper were Sosi, Sophia, and Caroline. Their emails were even listed – it was time to write a letter to the editors.
I decided it would be best to arrange a meeting under false pretenses. My email was as follows:
Dearest Thursday Detention Editors,
I happen to a have a very non-suspicious reason to be on Microsoft teams at 12:30 tomorrow. Will you meet me, to discuss an unspecified but non-suspicious small matter?
Cordial Regards,
[REDACTED]
I should note that I didn’t censor the text of the email; I just always sign that way. After a little cajoling, I’d gotten them to agree to a meeting. As soon as I got there, however, Sosi’s video feed froze, for a split second, before blinking off and then back on. What could she be hiding? A dirty secret? An illegal income source? Bad wifi?? Using my godlike skills as a private eye, I tricked them into saying a bit too much – under questioning, Caroline admitted that there were no actual squirrels holding Olympics on the Westridge campus! Soon after, the editors hung up suddenly claiming they had to “go to class.” Likely story.
What else could be made up? Was it all just a corporate ploy? I had noticed that an odd fraction of the content was sandwich-themed. On further examination of the page, their thin cover as a newspaper quickly fell away – not only were many of the news stories completely false, but some include fake quotes, or even fictional people! What are they trying to prove? Who are they working for? Perhaps this supposed “Mrs. McGregor” – but is that even a real person? Does “Westridge” even exist, or is it just the cover story of this vicious ex-con? What about “Thursday”??? For now, these mysteries must remain unsolved. But I can leave you with this – do not trust Thursday Detention!