Houseplants are all the rage right now – and with this easy guide, you’ll be ready to take care of your very own!
1. Water
You may know that plants need water to survive. What you might not know is that there’s an easy way to tell how much you need to water them! Simply count all of the plant’s veins and divide that number by sine of e. This will tell you how much you should water it each time. Then just take the square root of the volume of the container it’s in (measure in furlongs cubed) and multiply that by 30 to find how many times you should water it in a week. It’s as easy as that! Make sure to make these calculations at least once a month to account for growth.
2. Sun
If you want your leafy little friend to stay green and happy, you simply must find exactly the right place for it. Just move the plant around the room while holding a leaf (wearing emu leather gloves of course) – the leaf will grow ever so slightly hotter and colder as you move. You should set it down wherever the leaf is exactly room temperature. Any good plant parent completes this test every morning.
3. Humidity
To simulate the plant’s natural environment, you’ll want to make sure the humidity is just right. There are many amateur ways to do this, like humidifiers and tiny greenhouses and things, but the only way to do it right is to move your home. That’s right! You can skip all the humidity finagling by just moving to the rainforest! If you have other plants with different humidity requirements, throw them away. It’s the only humane thing to do.
4. Music
Show your plants you really care by composing them a tune or two! It’s scientifically proven that plants die painfully if you don’t play them just the right bops. Make sure the music is mid-register, lasts for exactly 1.48 hours, and, preferably, live. If you lack musical talent, considering hiring musicians to write and perform music for your little patron of the arts.
5. Love
This is the most important one: love your plants. Love them with all your heart and soul. To show how much you love them, take them on picnics and to candlelit dinners. Write them little notes; think of them always.
All of these things are extremely necessary. If you aren’t willing to make these few small commitments, do you even deserve a houseplant?
1. Water
You may know that plants need water to survive. What you might not know is that there’s an easy way to tell how much you need to water them! Simply count all of the plant’s veins and divide that number by sine of e. This will tell you how much you should water it each time. Then just take the square root of the volume of the container it’s in (measure in furlongs cubed) and multiply that by 30 to find how many times you should water it in a week. It’s as easy as that! Make sure to make these calculations at least once a month to account for growth.
2. Sun
If you want your leafy little friend to stay green and happy, you simply must find exactly the right place for it. Just move the plant around the room while holding a leaf (wearing emu leather gloves of course) – the leaf will grow ever so slightly hotter and colder as you move. You should set it down wherever the leaf is exactly room temperature. Any good plant parent completes this test every morning.
3. Humidity
To simulate the plant’s natural environment, you’ll want to make sure the humidity is just right. There are many amateur ways to do this, like humidifiers and tiny greenhouses and things, but the only way to do it right is to move your home. That’s right! You can skip all the humidity finagling by just moving to the rainforest! If you have other plants with different humidity requirements, throw them away. It’s the only humane thing to do.
4. Music
Show your plants you really care by composing them a tune or two! It’s scientifically proven that plants die painfully if you don’t play them just the right bops. Make sure the music is mid-register, lasts for exactly 1.48 hours, and, preferably, live. If you lack musical talent, considering hiring musicians to write and perform music for your little patron of the arts.
5. Love
This is the most important one: love your plants. Love them with all your heart and soul. To show how much you love them, take them on picnics and to candlelit dinners. Write them little notes; think of them always.
All of these things are extremely necessary. If you aren’t willing to make these few small commitments, do you even deserve a houseplant?