Mashed Sweet Potatoes: 10/10
This is the only dish that will get a 10/10 for me every time. It is impossible to mess up. It’s easy to make. It tastes like heaven. It requires minimal effort to consume. It’s marketed as a savory item, but it’s just dessert during dinner. It is warm and fuzzy and sweet. Mashed sweet potatoes with butter and maple syrup have my entire heart. I would eat that for the rest of my life if I could.
Pumpkin Pie: 9.5/10
This is another wonderful dish, but it’s very easy to mess up. I would know because I’m in charge of making it every year, and I’ve made MANY unsatisfactory pumpkin pies. If the filling isn’t thick, it will never feel like you’ve had enough. Easy solution: make double the amount you think you need.
Stuffing: 8/10
Stuffing is always better than I expect it to be considering it looks vaguely like dog food. It’s relatively flavorful and it makes good leftovers. It also goes well with every single other Thanksgiving dish. Also, whoever came up with the idea for stuffing was a pure genius. They managed to turn stale bread and turkey guts into a Thanksgiving staple. Points deducted for unfortunate appearance.
Note: The second you put grapes in your stuffing you lose my trust and friendship.
Cranberry Sauce: 7/10
Everything about cranberry sauce is great except for that faint bitter aftertaste. The aftertaste stays with me for months after Thanksgiving every year. It’s such a disappointment because the idea of cranberry sauce is very comforting to me. Cranberry sauce, however, goes with everything. You can add it to stuffing, potatoes, and of course, turkey and it adds a little zip. If I had to eat turkey without cranberry sauce, I would perish. Cranberry sauce > gravy.
Gravy: 5/10
Gravy tastes fine, but the idea of it has never sat well with me. It’s just…. Blended bits of turkey and flour?? Nothing about that sounds appetizing to me. It does get some points for making turkey taste like something other than plaster, though. It’s also somewhat comforting to know that gravy is there to save the day when you are faced with turkey and cornbread: the two driest foods to grace mankind. But overall, gravy is not necessarily a Thanksgiving dish to look forward to.
Cornbread: 3/10
The crumble is all off. What are you supposed to eat cornbread with? It’s not regular bread, so you can’t make a little sandwich with extra turkey because it will disintegrate. I’ve also never had moist cornbread. Maybe this is my own fault, and I haven’t searched hard enough, but since I’ve only ever had less than mediocre cornbread experiences, a solid 3/10 will be awarded.
Roasted Vegetables: 2/10
Why would you eat a vegetable when you could eat mashed sweet potatoes with butter and maple syrup? Green beans are fine, but don’t roast them. We already have cotton mouth after eating turkey, we don’t need to eat green beans that have had all the moisture sucked out of them during the roasting process.
Turkey: 1/10
Turkey is objectively worse than chicken. It takes hours of manual labor to make it not taste like a wool sweater, and the result is still worse than chicken. It is bland, and it tastes worse than it smells every time. There is always too much or not enough of it. Every year, my mom painstakingly prepares turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner, and then we all (including her) eat it reluctantly. For its ritual value, we will afford it one point.
This is the only dish that will get a 10/10 for me every time. It is impossible to mess up. It’s easy to make. It tastes like heaven. It requires minimal effort to consume. It’s marketed as a savory item, but it’s just dessert during dinner. It is warm and fuzzy and sweet. Mashed sweet potatoes with butter and maple syrup have my entire heart. I would eat that for the rest of my life if I could.
Pumpkin Pie: 9.5/10
This is another wonderful dish, but it’s very easy to mess up. I would know because I’m in charge of making it every year, and I’ve made MANY unsatisfactory pumpkin pies. If the filling isn’t thick, it will never feel like you’ve had enough. Easy solution: make double the amount you think you need.
Stuffing: 8/10
Stuffing is always better than I expect it to be considering it looks vaguely like dog food. It’s relatively flavorful and it makes good leftovers. It also goes well with every single other Thanksgiving dish. Also, whoever came up with the idea for stuffing was a pure genius. They managed to turn stale bread and turkey guts into a Thanksgiving staple. Points deducted for unfortunate appearance.
Note: The second you put grapes in your stuffing you lose my trust and friendship.
Cranberry Sauce: 7/10
Everything about cranberry sauce is great except for that faint bitter aftertaste. The aftertaste stays with me for months after Thanksgiving every year. It’s such a disappointment because the idea of cranberry sauce is very comforting to me. Cranberry sauce, however, goes with everything. You can add it to stuffing, potatoes, and of course, turkey and it adds a little zip. If I had to eat turkey without cranberry sauce, I would perish. Cranberry sauce > gravy.
Gravy: 5/10
Gravy tastes fine, but the idea of it has never sat well with me. It’s just…. Blended bits of turkey and flour?? Nothing about that sounds appetizing to me. It does get some points for making turkey taste like something other than plaster, though. It’s also somewhat comforting to know that gravy is there to save the day when you are faced with turkey and cornbread: the two driest foods to grace mankind. But overall, gravy is not necessarily a Thanksgiving dish to look forward to.
Cornbread: 3/10
The crumble is all off. What are you supposed to eat cornbread with? It’s not regular bread, so you can’t make a little sandwich with extra turkey because it will disintegrate. I’ve also never had moist cornbread. Maybe this is my own fault, and I haven’t searched hard enough, but since I’ve only ever had less than mediocre cornbread experiences, a solid 3/10 will be awarded.
Roasted Vegetables: 2/10
Why would you eat a vegetable when you could eat mashed sweet potatoes with butter and maple syrup? Green beans are fine, but don’t roast them. We already have cotton mouth after eating turkey, we don’t need to eat green beans that have had all the moisture sucked out of them during the roasting process.
Turkey: 1/10
Turkey is objectively worse than chicken. It takes hours of manual labor to make it not taste like a wool sweater, and the result is still worse than chicken. It is bland, and it tastes worse than it smells every time. There is always too much or not enough of it. Every year, my mom painstakingly prepares turkey for our Thanksgiving dinner, and then we all (including her) eat it reluctantly. For its ritual value, we will afford it one point.