Disclaimer: all claims made in this article are fictional.
“When will my elf husband return from war?” says Catherine Cändicains soulfully, staring out the rain-spotted[1] window as I interview her. “Actually,” she says, “I’m not sure why I clarified that he was an elf. That seems like it was implied.” Mr. Cändicains, along with many of the other able-bodied youth of the North pole, set out to the southern front (that is, any of the fronts) last Wednesday. “I can just imagine him, my poor dear Christopher, facing off with the secular, politically correct, army, their “happy holidays” banners waving high. They have no little drummer boys.” Cändicains’s worry is not misplaced – the War on Christmas has claimed more lives than almost any other in recent memory. So many of our proud citizens are falling and turning into (holiday) spirits. Not even the eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming can raise morale. Indeed, the war effort is going badly, but the people of Christmas still fight bravely – they just can’t imagine their beautiful hometown forced not to assume people’s beliefs on live television. “Oh no,” says Cändicains, “I can just see it now. A slightly more consumerist winter with slightly more generic cards. I would rather die.” In conclusion, I advise that, wherever you are, you keep fighting in whatever ways you can. I would also urge you to donate to the war effort – we are running out of festive scarves and sweaters[2].
[1] Not snow ‘cause of good ol’ climate change!
[2] Ammunition. They are usually too ugly to wear.
“When will my elf husband return from war?” says Catherine Cändicains soulfully, staring out the rain-spotted[1] window as I interview her. “Actually,” she says, “I’m not sure why I clarified that he was an elf. That seems like it was implied.” Mr. Cändicains, along with many of the other able-bodied youth of the North pole, set out to the southern front (that is, any of the fronts) last Wednesday. “I can just imagine him, my poor dear Christopher, facing off with the secular, politically correct, army, their “happy holidays” banners waving high. They have no little drummer boys.” Cändicains’s worry is not misplaced – the War on Christmas has claimed more lives than almost any other in recent memory. So many of our proud citizens are falling and turning into (holiday) spirits. Not even the eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming can raise morale. Indeed, the war effort is going badly, but the people of Christmas still fight bravely – they just can’t imagine their beautiful hometown forced not to assume people’s beliefs on live television. “Oh no,” says Cändicains, “I can just see it now. A slightly more consumerist winter with slightly more generic cards. I would rather die.” In conclusion, I advise that, wherever you are, you keep fighting in whatever ways you can. I would also urge you to donate to the war effort – we are running out of festive scarves and sweaters[2].
[1] Not snow ‘cause of good ol’ climate change!
[2] Ammunition. They are usually too ugly to wear.