Note: please do not cut down your neighbors trees. Although we have three retired lawyers on our team, our publicity is good enough right now that we aren't looking for a lawsuit at this moment in time.
Ah, Paganism! That somewhat offensive term for several ancient religions, which we love to lightly appropriate. Here are a few helpful tips for celebrating some of the ancient holidays that evolved into the ones we know today.
Yule
A 12-day ancient Germanic festival observed in honor of Odin, later conglomerated into Christmas. Starting on December 21st and ending January 1st, you can partake in some of its cherished traditions!
Saturnalia
An ancient Roman festival held on December 21st and December 22nd in honor of Saturn, it was also subsumed into (you guessed it) Christmas.
Festivals of Khoiak
At some time in fall or winter, which I was not able to understand given my unfamiliarity with the ancient Egyptian calendar, this ancient celebration commemorated the death and rebirth of Osiris.
Ah, Paganism! That somewhat offensive term for several ancient religions, which we love to lightly appropriate. Here are a few helpful tips for celebrating some of the ancient holidays that evolved into the ones we know today.
Yule
A 12-day ancient Germanic festival observed in honor of Odin, later conglomerated into Christmas. Starting on December 21st and ending January 1st, you can partake in some of its cherished traditions!
- Wreaths: Self-explanatory.
- Mistletoe: You shouldn’t grow mistletoe because it’s parasitic and invasive, but you sure can use other mildly poisonous things! Try hanging up native and eco-friendly poison oak!
- Sacrifice: Boars were traditionally sacrificed in honor Freya. You can recreate this at home with pets or younger siblings!
- Dressing up as goats: Self-explanatory.
- Yule Log: To be truly authentic, cut down a large tree (preferably a neighbor’s), and burn it in your living room.
Saturnalia
An ancient Roman festival held on December 21st and December 22nd in honor of Saturn, it was also subsumed into (you guessed it) Christmas.
- Wreaths: Man, they really got around
- Colorful clothing: Don we now our gay apparel!
- Reversal of normal social orders: Refuse to go to class and listen to your parents. You are now in charge of everything. Enjoy taxes!
- Gambling, singing, and drinking: All of these are wholesome and legal things to do!
- Giving candles as gifts: Be honest. You were already planning to give every one of your Secret Santas a scented candles.
Festivals of Khoiak
At some time in fall or winter, which I was not able to understand given my unfamiliarity with the ancient Egyptian calendar, this ancient celebration commemorated the death and rebirth of Osiris.
- Sowing of seeds in the ground: you can use those seeds the college counselors gave us, which I know you didn’t plant before.
- Tying onion strings in the evening: I’m going to be honest, I copy and pasted this, and I have no idea what it means. Anyways, my plan is to make some nice onion garlands to make my house smell great. Also wards off evil spirits.
- Circling the Walls: Draw some circles on your walls. The more the better.
