Welcome to the month of April, and the last Lettitor of the year!! The seniors running Thursday Detention have made the executive decision to cut off all ties with Westridge as of May 1st. We want to thank you for being a wonderful audience this year, for putting up with us when our articles made absolutely no sense, for subscribing to our email list, and for your kind words of encouragement when we were still figuring out how to make this project work. We would also like to extend our special thanks to the three people who have used our comments section to interact with us. You make what we do worth it.
Thursday Detention has been a labor of love. We are excited to announce -- for those of you who depend on us as your primary source of news -- that the publication will continue in the fall with our prolific junior staff members knee and ethel! They will uphold the TD tradition in our footsteps: spreading false information, sewing contempt in the community, and breaching many professional boundaries. We wish them luck in their endeavors as they attempt to fill the massive shoes we've left behind.
Goodbye forever, sos, vlad, soup, and emannep
March
It's gonna be a fun few weeks trying to get through this month. We ask our lovely readership to cut us some slack in the next couple of issues because we honestly don't remember what we've already made fun of. But worry not. We will emerge stronger than before on the other side of spring break. Three important things are happening this month, in order of importance: Women’s History Month, 1 year in quarantine, and our collective third colonoscopy.
In honor of Women’s History Month, we want to spend a brief minute talking about the important contributions of some influential women — you guessed it: the Thursday Detention editorial board. We are very cool and important. soup was the first woman of all time to ever be elected to public office. emannep conducted the famous 10-year research study on women in the harbor. You might wonder what this means, but we don’t. sos single handedly popularized Romanticism in the Western Hemisphere. vlad was the first woman to win four gold medals in four different Olympic events.
To celebrate all of these milestones, we have created Thursday Detention bumper stickers. They are available for purchase (50 per pack) under the assumption that you will plaster your windshield with them until you cannot see out of it. If you get in a wreck, please call Junk Car Insurance (previously advertised on our website). Another option: donate your car to Thursday Detention so that we can recycle the parts to make sustainable necklaces.
Allison, if you’re reading this send us an email. We have something important to tell you.
See you in two weeks! sos, vlad, soup, and emannep
Instead of an entire Valentine’s day issue, we decided to write you some love poems, because above all else, even interpretive horticulture, we love our dear readers:
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder, Why am I here? Do I have a purpose? Why do I have a corporeal form, and why can't I exist as an orb? Anyways.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’m so tired of having to wear clothing everyday, And I know you are too.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sometimes, Just sometimes, I think, that you smell like poo.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I am currently lost please I need to call Geico. I am almost out of gas.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I know it’s a classic poem, But violets aren’t f***** blue they're violet??
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Something in French, Oui oui ragú.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Pine trees are orange, I don’t know I’m colorblind.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, We hope you’ll be our Valentine, Because you have so few.
Also, a reminder that it’s not only Love Month, but more importantly Black History Month. Support Black-owned businesses, and please refrain from constantly referring to your Black friends.
Love, sos, vlad, soup, and emannep
January
Happy New Year, readers!
sos, soup, vlad, and emannep are all so happy our loyal fanbase has followed us into this year. When we started Thursday Detention, we really thought we'd be banned before 2021, but these are truly unprecedented times!
Now, we all know what time it is. New year, new us, it’s time to become our better, more authentic selves. For some people, embodying the best version of yourself means drinking more water, sleeping more, eating less sugar, being more mindful, or reading before bed. The Thursday Detention staff likes to take a parabolic approach to life, so we have a different proposition: we will all molt into crabs. Over break, soup spent a little too much time by herself, and learned about the process of carcinization: the evolutionary process that predicts we will all eventually turn into crabs! Already FIVE, non-crab groups have gone through the process, and we think 2021 is the year we return to the ocean and fulfill our destinies. There's no better way to appreciate nature, practice self-reflection, and find freedom in solitude!
Because listen.
Mitch McConnell as a crab. Mr. Stephenson as a crab. Charlie D'Amelio as a crab. Juanita as a crab. Every substitute teacher you’ve ever had as a crab. Mary Berry as a crab. Your uncle as a crab. Anderson Cooper as a crab. 1D as crabs. Crabs in the White House. Crabs in space. Crabs on TV. Crab realtors. I rest my case.
Everyone is searching for something. Every year, we set ourselves these unattainable goals, and I think it’s time we finally learn to be satisfied with the life we have been given/will give ourselves: crab. In other words, carcinization is the ultimate form of self-compassion.
So with that, Happy New Years again! May you all have a detention-filled 2021 :)
Cheers, sos, vlad, soup, and emannep
December
Happy December from sos, vlad, and soup coming to you with an exciting announcement! We have a new Managing Editor: Elvis Presley. We’re beyond thrilled because not only will she be a great addition to our team, she makes our names a more interesting acronym. She’s our Holiday gift to ourselves and to you.
But, good news aside, happiest of holidays from your only-slightly-exhausted team! As break approaches, and the paper reaches its three month anniversary, we want to officially state that Thursday Detention is, in fact, a secular organization. We know this might upset many of our readers, but we just wanted to clear the air -- as hard as the Roman Catholic Church has desperately tried to sponsor us, we had to respectfully decline. As you all know, unbiased reporting is central to what we do here. In our minds, Santa is a sentient being, living beyond the realm of human interpretation. While this definition makes singing "Santa Baby" slightly more difficult, our reputation means more to us than anything, so we’re afraid we’ll also be partaking in little to no latkes this year.
Now that we have that out of the way, we hope you all enjoy your breaks, even if you have to work on that presentation Mr. Raines assigned conveniently two days after the end of break. We love love love you all. Stay safe out there!
Your Editors, sos, vlad, soup, (and emannep!)
November
Hello Thursday Detention readers! It’s your favorite editors, soup, vlad, and sos here to bring you your bi-weekly dose of joy — or dread, we can’t tell you how to feel. Either way, this editor’s note is a check-in because we want to help you cope with the “chaos” that every exhausted teacher talks about in the few minutes before class starts.
How are you doing? Genuinely, how are you doing?
Someone unmute please.
Now, from fist to five, how do you feel today?
Thursday Detention officially designates this period of time (from last Saturday till Thanksgiving break) as the Post Election Chill Time. You don’t have to check the electoral map every three minutes! You can start figuring out which brand of cranberry sauce you’ll bring to Thanksgiving dinner. You can take up rug making right now. Drive to your local hill™️ and bring a glass of non-alcoholic chardonnay to sip on. Call a friend up and talk about the absurdity of low rise jeans. Read without annotating. Make a Pinterest board. Take a bath. We know that there are never enough hours in the day, but since the Thursday Detention Executive Board has decreed it, you have permission to simply not turn in homework until we get back from break on November 3oth. Instead, use your only remaining brain power to call Georgia voters or to stay updated on current events. Burnout is real, and we know last week was overwhelming, so it's time to set trivial matters like school aside in favor of self-care and remaining politically active.
Here’s your sign to sit back, relax, and pretend you’re a kid in the 80s.
With love and gratitude, sos, vlad, and soup
October
Note: A shorter life story can be found on the home page. So now that many of you have had a look around the website - or at least enjoyed a quick skim of Ask Alf - you might be curious about your fearless editors, sos, vlad, and soup. Where did they come from? How did they get here? Why are they the way they are?
These are all burning questions we ask ourselves on a daily basis, so here are some answers.
sos had humble beginnings before she committed herself to making fun of a secular, private all-girls school in Pasadena. Born in Concord, California, sos lived a blissful life before her parents divorced when she was 5. She and her siblings were raised by her father, a chef named Blammo, before being recruited to take part in the summer session of the Great Lakes Shakespeare Festival in Lakewood Ohio. Although it might seem like she followed in the footsteps of Oscar-winning actor, Tom Hanks, Hanks was actually inspired by sos’s incredible journey. sos’s life took a sharp turn when she suddenly decided to pursue corporate law (without passing the Bar) - instead she simply hopped over both a physical and emotional bar, surpassing Attorney General, William Barr’s expectations and landing her a job. The rest is history...
vlad was actually a Westridge student and spent her whole life around the Westridge area. Allegedly, she was born in Teamorrow and spent her youth wandering down Orange Grove. She loves NPR Tiny Desk Concerts, Trader Joe’s cashiers, and mom jeans - a Pasadena girl through and through. vlad, while satisfied with her life, decided that in order to create Thursday Detention, she’d need some experience in the realm of public policy. Her reasoning behind this career switch is that she wanted to report on current events without her educational background holding her back. She transferred to law school where she met the other two editors. She also acts as the official TD defense lawyer for the lawsuits we receive on the daily.
soup has a simple backstory. She began as the lesser known counterpart to Ben and Jerry before deciding to pursue soup making - which she saw as a richer alternative to the ice cream brand's unique ice cream flavors. How did she eventually become a corporate attorney? Why does she look a little like an optimistic tampon? These are parts of her history no one’s been able to ascertain, but one thing remains certain: soup is dedicated to democracy and fact-based journalism, hence her commitment to Thursday Detention.
Law school brought these three creative spirits together, but the true bond came from hours of research and hard-hitting reporting. The trio serves you today with the passion and wisdom that comes with old age, but the spirit and humor of youth. May their humble roots continue to inspire them as they spread joy in the Westridge community.
Hugs, sos, vlad, and soup
September
Welcome to the very first Thursday Detention editors note!
sos (Sosi Day), vlad (Caroline Lopez), and soup (Sophia Haydon-Khan) are overjoyed to have you here, and we hope you stick around for a while; maybe take a load off and read an article or two. We’re including our names here because in contrast to our usual satirical content, this note will take a more serious tone, and we cross our collective heart that we mean every word we’re about to say.
Believe it or not, we do understand that times are rather challenging right now. All three of us are heading into our senior year online, and we understand that no matter how many funny articles we write, nothing will make this painful reality untrue. While we’ve all attended Westridge for different lengths of time, and our feelings about the place are certainly complex, fundamentally, we were all looking forward to our senior year. We miss the little things like everyone else: the clothes heaped on the floor of the gym locker room, walking out of an English meeting after a good cry, peeing in the PAC bathroom (so clean!), or just strolling around campus on a sunny day.
When our longing for this kind of normalcy becomes a little too strong, we do exactly what everyone does--we write about it. All those hilarious and, dare I say, quirky parts of Westridge that make us feel like we’re really a community; that’s the kind of joy we’re trying to find again as we write these articles. We want to rekindle the sense of connection we felt during a town meeting when someone tells a story about their terrible driving or when we stop to chat with the Common’s staff. That’s our goal here, because this is ultimately a collaborative effort, and if it weren’t for the student body, faculty, and administration’s shenanigans, none of this would be possible. And it certainly wouldn’t be possible without our extraordinarily talented artists and contributors (keep your submissions coming!). BIG THANKS to meeb (Max Endieveri), the genius who created our logo and most of our website art, and our first teacher contributor, Katie Wei.
We hope Thursday Detention will become a forever part of Westridge history, or is at least forgotten and revived during the next pandemic 100 years from now. Please, please, please let us know if you have any questions.