Welcome to this completely fair and unbiased critique of your dogs. I’d like to preface this feature with a few important notes. First, I may let it be known that your dogs might be the ugliest creatures I have ever seen. However, my preconceived notions of your dogs would vanish if I met them. I find that I often judge too harshly, and the canine’s personality erases the judgments I made before meeting it. Secondly, you might find my statements to be contradictory or hypocritical at some points. This is because as hard as I try not to, I will probably compare your dog to my own when judging. Sorry. Thirdly, friendships may be tested over this article. Try to detach yourself from your dog when you continue to read. My thoughts on your dogs are in no way a reflection of your own character, unless you chose your ugly dog over a better-looking one. With all this said, enjoy my very candid rating of your respective mongrels.
Kat
First of all, points added for the name. Despite the spelling, I thoroughly enjoy the idea of calling a dog a cat. I happen to have met this dog when she was but a wee puppy, and I think this photo captures her essence; her posture conveys a sassiness that was present when she ducked my attempts to pet her. I’m finding very few flaws in this dog besides her vacant and non-expressive eyes, for which I will deduct 1.5 points. I also enjoy her faint tuxedo. 8.5/10
Kat
First of all, points added for the name. Despite the spelling, I thoroughly enjoy the idea of calling a dog a cat. I happen to have met this dog when she was but a wee puppy, and I think this photo captures her essence; her posture conveys a sassiness that was present when she ducked my attempts to pet her. I’m finding very few flaws in this dog besides her vacant and non-expressive eyes, for which I will deduct 1.5 points. I also enjoy her faint tuxedo. 8.5/10
Dash
I’ve also known this dog for quite some time -- maybe around ten years. In my time knowing Dash, he’s been skittish, deceptive, and all around kind of weird. These judgments were affirmed when he peed on Olivia Bulow’s carpet multiple times. However, Dash is getting old, and I feel bad for him. He’s a lively dog and keeps you on your toes; you really never know when he’ll sneak up behind you and shove his nose in your ass. 7/10
Otis
Otis is cute. Kind of. Mostly because by the looks of this hound, he’s a puppy. I will say that I am not a fan of tiny dogs, and I’m sensing that Otis will be no wider than 7 inches at peak adulthood, but his fur color is adequate, and I like the brown-to-black ombre effect into the snout area. Points added for the cute floating head, but points also deducted for the lack of body. What fun is a dog with no torso or limbs? 6.5/10
Olliver
Now this is a dog. Olliver is the kind of dog that you could pet extremely aggressively, and he would be fine with it. I’m glad this dog likes the beach -- it shows a certain willingness to try new things and an athleticism that I love to see. Olliver’s physique reflects this athleticism; the pointed tail, muscular forelimbs and chest, and alert neck are clearly the qualities of an American Kennel Club best in show winner. My only critique is that he’s wearing both a collar and a harness. Seems a little redundant. My second only critique is that Olliver is a person’s name. My third only critique is that Olliver is slightly bland. I think I would get bored of looking at him, and my everlasting love might not be so everlasting. 6/10
Gozo
This picture of Gozo is an entirely accurate reflection of his character. Gozo snarls, growls, bites, humps, and worst of all, eats drywall. I wouldn’t be surprised if Gozo was spawned by the Devil himself. Not to mention that he’s part Chihuahua, and it’s common knowledge that Chihuahuas rank amongst the top five worst/ugliest dogs you could possibly own. The only points Gozo will get from me are for his brutal honesty, putting him at a solid 2.5/10.
Daisy
Daisy is a wonderful dog with a glowing personality. There’s almost nothing behind those big Aubrey-Plaza-esque eyes of hers. You could tell her you just murdered her owners, and she would wag her tail with innocent glee. She is, however, one of the neediest dogs I’ve ever met. She whines at the slightest inconvenience; taking a two second break from petting her for five minutes straight will result in a torrent of screams that could be used as voiceover in American Horror Story. Points deducted for neediness, but added for loyalty and bravery. 8/10 to Daisy!
Jack-Jack
Now this is one of those ratings where a friendship might end. Yes, Jack-Jack can win you over with his jumpiness and limp, floppy ears, but I’m so sorry: he is not physically attractive. Some dogs are meant to be viewed from about a mile away, never to be closely examined or thought about again. Get too close to Jack-Jack, and you’ll notice a crust around the optometric area. Now, this is no jab at the owner’s ability to clean their dog, it’s just a universal experience that only occurs in small, curly, partly white dogs like Jack-Jack. I like that we’re sticking to the Incredibles theme in this article, with Dash and now Jack-Jack, so I’ll tack on a few points for this pooch. 4/10
Beau
Beau is straight up one of the most beautiful dogs out there. He’s got this long, flowing fur that reminds me of Lana del Ray’s hair and a pointy little nose, also like Lana del Ray. I’ve never actually met Beau but I do feel like he would be a little standoffish. I guess he deserves to be a little snobby when he looks like a Vogue model, but points deducted for the blatant pretty privilege. 8.75/10
Dominic
The following paragraph will be a completely unbiased rating of my own dog. Did I deduct points from Olliver for having a people name earlier? Yes. Will I do the same for Dominic? No. It fits his personality perfectly, and he’s named after the traveling dog Dominic, who stars in the book Dominic. Starting with the physical features, Dominic’s physique is perfect in almost every way. His ears are equilateral triangles, his nose is a symmetrical heart shape, his paws earnestly point outwards, and he’s got a lot of fluffage in the tail region. Let’s also not forget his immaculately groomed eyebrows. The only points I’ll deduct from this mutt are for his attitude. Many times Dominic has sunk his teeth into my dermis and left several scars. 9.5/10
Fish
No further comments. 10/10