Disclaimer: none of the claims made or quotes used in this article are real, unfortunately.
This Wednesday, the Westridge Weekly sent shockwaves through the Westridge community. No, it was not a perfectly crafted pep-talk filmed in Ms. McGregor’s back yard that had students and faculty on the edge of their seats, but an anonymous whistleblower who hacked Westridge’s email and rightfully informed the community of impending injustices.
The whistleblower confirmed rumors that Westridge students will be forced to wear head-to-toe hazmat suits when they return to campus for socially distanced conditioning. As if the prospect of going to school only to exercise was not soul-crushing enough, students learned that their run-of-the-mill masks and social distancing would not suffice.
This news comes months after students were told they could return to campus for conditioning within the month of November, only to receive no further emails on the matter until now.
Athletic Director Melanie Horn commented on the whistleblower’s intentions. “I believe the whistleblower meant to say that NARPS (Non-Athletic Regular People) will be asked to wear hazmat suits to on-campus conditioning. However, members of the Varsity Volleyball and Basketball teams will be an exception to this rule. To ensure their comfort, we will not require volleyball and basketball players to wear masks.”
Ms. McGregor declined to comment on Wednesday’s events, informing the Thursday Detention Board that she had decided to resign even earlier and would not be available for the rest of the school year.