Note: this article is (surprisingly) not sponsored. If you work for Instacart and would like to sponsor us, please email thursdetention@gmail.com
One of the many joys of shopping during quarantine is Instacart’s new popularity. A lot of grocery stores have started offering an order-in-advance option where you can ask them to bag your groceries for you, and all you have to do is come pick them up without the risk of entering the building. The system works flawlessly.
Here’s the secret behind the operation: Instacart reads minds. Let’s picture a scenario. You put sourdough bread in your virtual cart because you want to make sandwiches. However, when the brand of bread you ordered runs out, Instacart has a difficult choice to make: should it replace your sourdough bread with another suitable bread option, or should it give you rice, the healthier, more exciting starch? It decides to give you rice. The truth is, when Instacart realized there was no sourdough left, it knew fate had spoken. Sometimes rice sandwiches just hit different.
Months pass. You ordered orange juice and got Coca-Cola flavored LaCroix. You ordered raw chicken breasts and got two pounds of sliced deli turkey. You ordered dish soap and got baby shampoo. You ordered almond flour and got gluten-free Cheez-Its. You ordered dried mango and got an industrial-sized bag of prunes. You ordered a roll of tin foil and got an 34-roll-pack of toilet paper. Something about these replacements renews my faith in a higher power. They are just too perfect, too precise.
I still don’t know how Instacart has access to our deepest desires. How does it understand us so well? Does Instacart work for the government?? For God??? For TikTok? It seems uncanny how in-tune Instacart is with humanity. For now, I will leave you with this: the next time you think about grocery shopping safely, consider using Instacart: the All-Knowing.
Here’s the secret behind the operation: Instacart reads minds. Let’s picture a scenario. You put sourdough bread in your virtual cart because you want to make sandwiches. However, when the brand of bread you ordered runs out, Instacart has a difficult choice to make: should it replace your sourdough bread with another suitable bread option, or should it give you rice, the healthier, more exciting starch? It decides to give you rice. The truth is, when Instacart realized there was no sourdough left, it knew fate had spoken. Sometimes rice sandwiches just hit different.
Months pass. You ordered orange juice and got Coca-Cola flavored LaCroix. You ordered raw chicken breasts and got two pounds of sliced deli turkey. You ordered dish soap and got baby shampoo. You ordered almond flour and got gluten-free Cheez-Its. You ordered dried mango and got an industrial-sized bag of prunes. You ordered a roll of tin foil and got an 34-roll-pack of toilet paper. Something about these replacements renews my faith in a higher power. They are just too perfect, too precise.
I still don’t know how Instacart has access to our deepest desires. How does it understand us so well? Does Instacart work for the government?? For God??? For TikTok? It seems uncanny how in-tune Instacart is with humanity. For now, I will leave you with this: the next time you think about grocery shopping safely, consider using Instacart: the All-Knowing.