Welcome back to our second completely fair and unbiased critique of your dogs. Since our last dog rating was so popular, the Thursday Detention Executive Board made the executive decision to do it again. However, the dogs you will read about in this article belong to our beloved Westridge teachers. I sincerely hope that any college rec letters, grades of B+ or higher, and teacher-student bonds will not be harmed as a result of this article. Again, these ratings are in no way a reflection of your character; we know many of our teachers have children, and the decision to purchase an ugly dog might have been made by your kids rather than you. With all this said, let’s get on with rating your dogs, which are sadly mediocre, to say the least.
Bella Kruhm
Bella is one sassy pooch! I’m really living for this photo of her; if Vogue were about dogs instead of people, Bella would definitely make the cover. I believe I met this dog at Westridge when she was a puppy, and if I remember correctly, her energy was pretty unmatched. Maybe she was just overwhelmed by 20 eighth-grade girls petting her, but I strongly believe she could complete a marathon in world-record time. She does look a little tired, though; her eyes seem to be pointing two different ways, and I spy a little salt and pepper fur on her forelimb. Based on her surroundings, Bella seems like a pretty scholarly pup. It’s difficult to tell, but I think there are some Folger editions of various Shakespeare plays behind her. Points added for being able to read, but points deducted for reading Shakespeare when she could've read Harry Potter. 8/10
Bella is one sassy pooch! I’m really living for this photo of her; if Vogue were about dogs instead of people, Bella would definitely make the cover. I believe I met this dog at Westridge when she was a puppy, and if I remember correctly, her energy was pretty unmatched. Maybe she was just overwhelmed by 20 eighth-grade girls petting her, but I strongly believe she could complete a marathon in world-record time. She does look a little tired, though; her eyes seem to be pointing two different ways, and I spy a little salt and pepper fur on her forelimb. Based on her surroundings, Bella seems like a pretty scholarly pup. It’s difficult to tell, but I think there are some Folger editions of various Shakespeare plays behind her. Points added for being able to read, but points deducted for reading Shakespeare when she could've read Harry Potter. 8/10
Dave Yurchak
Ms. Yurchak, it’s a good thing I’m not currently nor have I never been in one of your classes because you probably would have given me an F after reading this rating of Dave. I’ll begin with the good stuff, because it won’t take too long. Dave looks like he can be pretty lively. In the first photo, he has a pretty earnest expression in his eyes that suggests he would be down to giddily frolic around in a park for a couple hours. However, I have a strong feeling that the second photo is a more accurate representation of Dave. Dave, you’ve got the makings of a somewhat cute pup, but the crust around your eyes and mouth, unkempt crop of fur atop your head, and overall small size are your biggest downfalls. 4/10
Sofía del Toro
Dr. Del Toro, once again, I am very sorry. Unlike Ms. Yurchak, I have been in your class several times, so this might sting a little. Let’s start with the positives: Sofia’s fur looks very soft; I’m imagining that the texture would be similar to the cuff on my Santa hat. However, Sofia, like Dave and all other small white dogs, has the obligatory brown crust around her eyes and mouth. She also sports blank stare and a medusa-esque, statue-like position that would scare off any police-trained canine. I would consider enrolling Sofia in the police K9 academy. Overall, I think Sofia would have a pretty chill, laid back personality, but I tend to prefer larger dogs. 4/10
Griffey Clark
I’m pretty sure any and everyone who has stepped onto the Westridge campus has met Griffey. Unfortunately, that might not be such a good thing. Griffey belongs to our very own Thursday Detention advisor, Allison Clark, so some drama might go down at Thursday Detention Headquarters soon. Griffey, I hate to break it to you, but you are the epitome of the small, yappy dog archetype. Those bulging eyes of yours aren’t doing you any favors and neither are your weak, feeble-looking limbs. Join a frat and down some protein powder, for God’s sake. 2/10
Yuki Hatchman
Of course you own this dog, Ms. Hatchman. They say that dog owners look like their dogs, and I think we can all agree that Yuki bears some resemblance to Ms. Hatchman. I’m very fond of Yuki; Yuki seems like an athletic, adventurous dog that could probably scale Mount Everest if given the opportunity. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about this dog. Congratulations, Yuki, on the only 10/10 awarded to a pooch in this article.
Side note: I don’t know what pronouns Yuki uses, sorry Ms. Hatchman.