Disclaimer: all claims and quotes used in this article are entirely fictional.
In early September, Westridge’s iconic squirrel population announced their plans for a “Squirrel Olympics,” their miniature alternative to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, which were cancelled because of COVID-19. Thes games, however, did not go exactly according to plan.
Popular events such as swimming, gymnastics, and track and field did not yield the high turnout rates they usually do, leaving the campus squirrels in a horrific economic recession.
One of the competitors, who prefers to remain anonymous, said “It’s a downright shame. I signed up for the Olympics this year because I didn’t gather enough nuts for my family over the summer. I thought that the money I earned from these Olympics would be enough to purchase a few barrels of nuts, but I guess not since nobody came to watch us.”
This squirrel is one of many who wasn’t able to claim his prize at the Olympics. As a result of poor turnout, the Olympic Squirrel Committee (OSC) was not able to generate enough revenue to pay a single one of their athletes.
The Westridge squirrel community invested so much money into the Squirrel Olympics that they are now unable to fund hospitals, schools, and nut factories. Both the S&P 500 and the Dow Jones Industrial Average have dropped about 50%, leaving squirrels scrambling for federal funding.
The recession has squirrels searching high and low for loose change, but common locations for extra dimes and nickels such as Karsh Lab and underneath the Hoffman Gymnasium bleachers have been cleared out by maintenance staff.
“We’re doing the best we can,” said one squirrel. “But the most we can do now is wait until students are back on campus and leave their food and shit everywhere.”
Popular events such as swimming, gymnastics, and track and field did not yield the high turnout rates they usually do, leaving the campus squirrels in a horrific economic recession.
One of the competitors, who prefers to remain anonymous, said “It’s a downright shame. I signed up for the Olympics this year because I didn’t gather enough nuts for my family over the summer. I thought that the money I earned from these Olympics would be enough to purchase a few barrels of nuts, but I guess not since nobody came to watch us.”
This squirrel is one of many who wasn’t able to claim his prize at the Olympics. As a result of poor turnout, the Olympic Squirrel Committee (OSC) was not able to generate enough revenue to pay a single one of their athletes.
The Westridge squirrel community invested so much money into the Squirrel Olympics that they are now unable to fund hospitals, schools, and nut factories. Both the S&P 500 and the Dow Jones Industrial Average have dropped about 50%, leaving squirrels scrambling for federal funding.
The recession has squirrels searching high and low for loose change, but common locations for extra dimes and nickels such as Karsh Lab and underneath the Hoffman Gymnasium bleachers have been cleared out by maintenance staff.
“We’re doing the best we can,” said one squirrel. “But the most we can do now is wait until students are back on campus and leave their food and shit everywhere.”