Thank You, Illuminati
By [redacted]
Rating: MS
fan art by alf
We all know the Illuminati is responsible for every societal/cultural shift that takes place. For this reason, a member of the TD staff would like to extend their gratitude and advice to the organization:
Dear Illuminati,
Thank you for finally getting your shit together. I was beginning to be concerned, but I knew you had our best interest at heart all along! Good job with the vaccine. I also appreciate your choice of president— I guess all those goat sacrifices really did do something after all!
Because it seems clear that our ongoing issues with systemic oppression are not going away all that quickly, I would politely ask why you’re not doing anything about this. Considering that you’re (I think; accounts vary) a group of liberal elites, I’d think this would be a priority. Please consider. Also please consider changing your logo, as it is very ugly.
As a loyal supporter, some day I’d love to join the Illuminati. I’m passionate about world events, and I think you will find my high school coursework quite satisfactory. If necessary, I can attach a transcript and letter of recommendation. Will becoming a lizard person be necessary? I can do that, but I’d like to know before I commit to anything. Of course, I mean no offence to lizard people, who I’m sure are all quite lovely.
Cordial Regards,
[Redacted]
Thank you for finally getting your shit together. I was beginning to be concerned, but I knew you had our best interest at heart all along! Good job with the vaccine. I also appreciate your choice of president— I guess all those goat sacrifices really did do something after all!
Because it seems clear that our ongoing issues with systemic oppression are not going away all that quickly, I would politely ask why you’re not doing anything about this. Considering that you’re (I think; accounts vary) a group of liberal elites, I’d think this would be a priority. Please consider. Also please consider changing your logo, as it is very ugly.
As a loyal supporter, some day I’d love to join the Illuminati. I’m passionate about world events, and I think you will find my high school coursework quite satisfactory. If necessary, I can attach a transcript and letter of recommendation. Will becoming a lizard person be necessary? I can do that, but I’d like to know before I commit to anything. Of course, I mean no offence to lizard people, who I’m sure are all quite lovely.
Cordial Regards,
[Redacted]