Disclaimer: all suggestions made in this article will not help you or the planet.
Disclaimer #2: if you want real environmental tips, be sure to read the Green Gazette, coming soon to your inbox!
Sustainability is important for a healthy planet and society – these ten tips got me started as an environmentalist and include some of the things I’ve learned along the way. So, without further ado:
[1] This is a lie. I will mail you no dollars.
[2] This is false. Do not attempt.
[3] I read this in a PDF that definitely seemed peer-reviewed.
Disclaimer #2: if you want real environmental tips, be sure to read the Green Gazette, coming soon to your inbox!
Sustainability is important for a healthy planet and society – these ten tips got me started as an environmentalist and include some of the things I’ve learned along the way. So, without further ado:
- It turns out you don’t “need” water to “survive.”[2] You can actually get water from the other foods you eat, especially fruits and vegetables, according to WebMD. Just ask me – I haven’t drank water since 2014 and the dizziness, confusion, and death are all worth it! I save about half a toilet flush worth of water every day!
- You can also save lots of water by turning off the shower when you’re not using it! That’s right – those knobs aren’t just ornamental. This strategy also avoids the usual mildew and flooding.
- Never water your plants on the full moon. It’s been recently scientifically proven[3] that fairies collect dew and take care of plants on the full moon! If you live in a climate zone without full moons, you can simulate them by shining a huge lamp on your plants all night – you can even do this on multiple nights for the same effect. But beware! Overworked fairies can form labor unions.
- Air conditioning is a huge contributor to a home’s carbon footprint – you can reduce your cooling costs by leaving doors and windows closed during the day. Make sure to still leave them open during the night, though – helpful woodland creatures will come in and can save you the cost and effort of eating any accessible food. They've also been shown to help raising pets and young children.
- Transportation causes a large fraction of America’s carbon emissions – make sure to limit long road trips to twice a week.
- Save the whales! Organize a whale counting day instead of a beach clean up. The first person to collect five whales is the greenest.
- Use green energy! You may not know this, but plants convert sunlight into stored energy through photosynthesis. You can then easily convert this into heat and light by burning! If you don’t have plants, you can also burn solar panels.
- Invest in a goat. Goats are cool and eco-friendly.
- Remember to pay homage to your local deities. They can protect you and reduce your power bills.
- You can also reduce your carbon footprints by washing your shoes after you step on any charcoal or graphite.
[1] This is a lie. I will mail you no dollars.
[2] This is false. Do not attempt.
[3] I read this in a PDF that definitely seemed peer-reviewed.
