By now you may have read my last two ratings of the Thursday Detention community’s dogs. My opinions may or may not have caused some strife amongst myself and my peers, so today I’m concluding this series with what I hope will offer some insight into my rating process. The following dog ratings will be dogs I have found on the internet that I believe fit each number of the rating system from 1-10. If you don’t like what I have to say, maybe do some self-reflection and consider whether you should return your dog or not.
11. Corgi, Beagle, and Bull Terrier: “The Princess Dianas of Dogs”
“What the hell, Caroline. I thought there were only supposed to be 10 categories.” Yes, that is correct. There are only ten categories, however, I have named this outlier category “11” simply for the sake of consistency. These special three dogs are the dogs that I would trade my parents for. They’re special because their beauty transcends ratings and silly categorizations… it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what makes these dogs so different from the rest, but I feel a special connection to each one.
“What the hell, Caroline. I thought there were only supposed to be 10 categories.” Yes, that is correct. There are only ten categories, however, I have named this outlier category “11” simply for the sake of consistency. These special three dogs are the dogs that I would trade my parents for. They’re special because their beauty transcends ratings and silly categorizations… it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what makes these dogs so different from the rest, but I feel a special connection to each one.
10. Australian Shepherd and Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever: “The Go-getters”
If you are like my family and you tune into the American Kennel Club Best in Show dog awards each year, you’d know that these dogs belong to the herding and sporting groups, respectively. These dogs are go-getters, squirrel chasers, and jump in your arms-ers. If my dog doesn’t have this kind of energy, back to the pound they go. Throw your Australian Shepherd or Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever off a bridge and into a lake 100 feet below, and ten seconds later he’ll have climbed the side of a ravine and positioned himself perfectly in front of you, with his hind legs at a 45 degree angle and his head held high. If you don’t understand, you never will.
9. Golden Retriever and German Shepherd: “The Frat Bros” or “Mostly Gentle Giants”
From the outside, these dogs may seem big and intimidating, like the yolked senior frat guys at Dartmouth. Take a closer look, and these big fellas have probably been through some shit; they hide it with their endless energy and ripped muscles, but it’s hard to be a big dog in a world where everyone wants a yorkie. I suggest watching “Megan Leavey” if you still don’t understand.
8. English Springer Spaniel and Nederlandse Koojkerhondje: “The Student Athletes”
This category is very similar to the “Go-getters,” but the “Student athletes” add a little spice. They may not be as pretty as the “Go-getters,” which is what knocks them down to an 8, but what these guys lack in beauty, they make up for in brains and brawn (Watch Survivor season 28 to see the brains, brawn, and beauty tribes duke it out in Cagayan btw). Anyways, if you had to dress up any dog for a job interview, these would be the ones. Pop some glasses on these guys and their look is complete; they’ve got the athletic “Go-getter” build, but they’re a little too snobby-looking to only be athletes.
7. Labrador Retriever: “John”
Just like the name “John” is the most common name in America, the labrador retriever is the most common dog in the United States. They’re as average as you get, therefore a 7, or a C, is appropriate. Not much to say here. At least they’re better than the next 6.
6. Basset Hound and Dachshund: “The Crowd-pleasers”
You might get endless compliments if you own one of these dogs, but deep down, everyone knows that there’s something inherently ugly about them. They’re low to the ground, they walk funny, and they have ears bigger than their entire heads… proportion isn’t everything, but it’s definitely a consideration.
You might get endless compliments if you own one of these dogs, but deep down, everyone knows that there’s something inherently ugly about them. They’re low to the ground, they walk funny, and they have ears bigger than their entire heads… proportion isn’t everything, but it’s definitely a consideration.
5. Brussels Griffon and Jack Russell Terrier: “The Scrappers”
If you’re boring and you want to fill your life with something lively and a little out there, this is the dog for you. They’re what we basketball fiends like to call “scrappy.” They’re definitely the underdog (no really on the nose pun intended), but they’ll show up to a game and bite and scratch and pull your hair until they win. Their position at #5 is largely due to their coat texture. When I’m retired and sitting at home on the couch in 50 or so years, I don’t want to reach down to pet my dog and feel sandpaper and regret my life choices.
If you’re boring and you want to fill your life with something lively and a little out there, this is the dog for you. They’re what we basketball fiends like to call “scrappy.” They’re definitely the underdog (no really on the nose pun intended), but they’ll show up to a game and bite and scratch and pull your hair until they win. Their position at #5 is largely due to their coat texture. When I’m retired and sitting at home on the couch in 50 or so years, I don’t want to reach down to pet my dog and feel sandpaper and regret my life choices.
4. Pitbull and Bulldog: “The Heavyweight champs”
I don’t know if it’s a requirement for these dogs to be overweight looking, if they’re just naturally really jacked, or if they are consistently overfed by their owners, but there’s virtually nothing physically attractive about these dogs and you can’t convince me otherwise. Sure, they might be loveable and loyal, but their overall physique and stubbly fur aren’t doing it for me. I’d like to see a dog put a little more effort into his appearance. Very unprofessional.
I don’t know if it’s a requirement for these dogs to be overweight looking, if they’re just naturally really jacked, or if they are consistently overfed by their owners, but there’s virtually nothing physically attractive about these dogs and you can’t convince me otherwise. Sure, they might be loveable and loyal, but their overall physique and stubbly fur aren’t doing it for me. I’d like to see a dog put a little more effort into his appearance. Very unprofessional.
3. Chihuahua and Papillon: “The School bullies”
This is self-explanatory. Yippy. Loud. Ugly. Eyes are too big. Body too small. Body-to-eye ratio off. The owners are ugly and need someone to one-up in the beauty department so they bought these dogs. Enough said.
This is self-explanatory. Yippy. Loud. Ugly. Eyes are too big. Body too small. Body-to-eye ratio off. The owners are ugly and need someone to one-up in the beauty department so they bought these dogs. Enough said.
2. Shih tzu: “Daddy’s girl”
I don’t know what in the world would possess someone to adopt a Shih tzu, but they have got to be going through a midlife crisis or something of a similar magnitude to do so. To put it bluntly, you have no taste and your dog is ugly. Once again, the proportions are all wrong. It also feels morally wrong to slap a bow on your dogs head and call it a day. They simply aren’t toys, even though they are technically in the American Kennel Club “toy group.” No excuses. If you want to dress something up and put a bow in its hair, try a child instead.
I don’t know what in the world would possess someone to adopt a Shih tzu, but they have got to be going through a midlife crisis or something of a similar magnitude to do so. To put it bluntly, you have no taste and your dog is ugly. Once again, the proportions are all wrong. It also feels morally wrong to slap a bow on your dogs head and call it a day. They simply aren’t toys, even though they are technically in the American Kennel Club “toy group.” No excuses. If you want to dress something up and put a bow in its hair, try a child instead.
1. Afghan Hound and Komondor: “The Janitor’s arsenal”
These images truly are a frightening scene. I’d like to point out that the two Afghan Hounds closely resemble Grant Wood’s (NOT our Westridge Aussie treasure Grant Wood) American Gothic. Besides the point, because why on earth would you pay for a dog that needs salon-quality hair upkeep when you could go get some highlights in your own hair instead? As for the Komondor, everyone knows that the Swiffer Sweeper is better than a traditional mop anyways. If you’re not into mops at all, then sure, go for the Komondor, but keep in mind that your DIY roomba needs to be fed, walked, and played with.
These images truly are a frightening scene. I’d like to point out that the two Afghan Hounds closely resemble Grant Wood’s (NOT our Westridge Aussie treasure Grant Wood) American Gothic. Besides the point, because why on earth would you pay for a dog that needs salon-quality hair upkeep when you could go get some highlights in your own hair instead? As for the Komondor, everyone knows that the Swiffer Sweeper is better than a traditional mop anyways. If you’re not into mops at all, then sure, go for the Komondor, but keep in mind that your DIY roomba needs to be fed, walked, and played with.