Let’s play a game. Which of the following does not belong? Contributing to an English discussion, slacklining across a chasm you can’t see the bottom of, and ordering takeout from your favorite local Lebanese restaurant. Fooled you! All of these things are the same because all of them incite in me an immense fear and panic that grips my respiratory system and gives me diarrhea. Has your mom ever told you you could get takeout, and you get so excited until she tells you that you have to order it?? That’s a fast road to not getting takeout, mom. Why do so many of us feel this way? How can we expect to survive in the world if we can’t order a pizza? Everytime Larry from Dominoes picks up the phone and hears nothing but shaky breathing followed by the sounds of me anxiety puking, I wonder if he asks himself these same questions. However, I am an adult now, and I’ve started to put some effort to making this process easier. Here are some tips from a seasoned expert on how to complete a takeout order over the phone without needing to be hospitalized.
One thing I’ve been trying out (personally) is communal living. Hear me out; if we break society down into small, self-sustaining communes, there would be no need to call the local takeout place, as food would be consumed and produced communally. You say this is too big a change, I say you are simply afraid of the future. Buck up and accept that a future without panic attacks in front of Larry from Dominoes IS possible. Join me, comrades, in the fight to end this terror, but like not in a communist way (please don't tell Harry S. Truman about this, I’m on my third strike).
To conclude, this method has done wonders for me. I feel cool as a cucumber with this bane of existence entirely removed. I’m really surprised that the rest of the country, heck, the world hasn't caught on (I beg of you do not take this to the Truman administration). Let's forge our way into the future with strength and bravery, not the debilitating fear of phoning the Thai restaurant. Who’s with me?