There are infinite ways to mess up coffee. It’s a miracle any coffee is good enough to drink given the probability of fucking it up. The numerical chance of making a good cup of coffee is about .00187577% according to rigorous calculations based on the chances of each of the below issues NOT occurring. This means that around one in every 50,000 cups of coffee is actually solid. As you read through our analysis below, we encourage you to consider: When was the last time you had a truly good cup of coffee? What does good coffee mean to you? Please use the comment section to share your reflections.
Not Stirred Enough (60% chance of occurring)
It’s all right until you get about halfway through the cup. Then you find yourself drinking a lovely glass of 2% milk. Is this a good thing? Sources are conflicted on the matter, but most agree under-mixed coffee will not work.
Not Enough Milk (20% chance of occurring)
The equivalent of drinking lighter fluid.
Too Much Milk (30% chance of occurring)
The equivalent of drinking unsweetened eggnog (i.e. milk).
Wrong Milk (10% chance of occurring)
An unfortunate incident for our lactose intolerant/vegan/picky friends. I will say, though, if you can identify the difference between dairy-free milks in coffee, you should consider replacing those truffle-smelling pigs.
Too Sweet (3% chance of occurring)
I genuinely don’t believe this is an issue, but the lightweights out there forced me to include it.
Not Sweet Enough (50% chance of occurring)
I wouldn’t know because I cannot tolerate coffee that doesn’t taste like melted coffee ice cream, but what I imagine is horrific.
Not Stirred Enough (60% chance of occurring)
It’s all right until you get about halfway through the cup. Then you find yourself drinking a lovely glass of 2% milk. Is this a good thing? Sources are conflicted on the matter, but most agree under-mixed coffee will not work.
Not Enough Milk (20% chance of occurring)
The equivalent of drinking lighter fluid.
Too Much Milk (30% chance of occurring)
The equivalent of drinking unsweetened eggnog (i.e. milk).
Wrong Milk (10% chance of occurring)
An unfortunate incident for our lactose intolerant/vegan/picky friends. I will say, though, if you can identify the difference between dairy-free milks in coffee, you should consider replacing those truffle-smelling pigs.
Too Sweet (3% chance of occurring)
I genuinely don’t believe this is an issue, but the lightweights out there forced me to include it.
Not Sweet Enough (50% chance of occurring)
I wouldn’t know because I cannot tolerate coffee that doesn’t taste like melted coffee ice cream, but what I imagine is horrific.
Wrong Temperature (95% chance of occurring)
There are three scenarios under this point: you get a brain freeze, you burn the roof of your mouth, or your coffee is lukewarm, (possibly the worst of the three). Essentially, you are left drinking pool water. It’s so lukewarm you can barely taste the difference compared to the surrounding air.
Too Strong (80% chance of occurring)
See “Not Enough Milk” and “Not Enough Sugar.”
Too Watery (60% chance of occurring)
This sometimes happens when your iced coffee melts, which is arguably even more heartbreaking because you ruined your perfectly decent coffee by leaving it in your car while you spent too long deciding between an insurmountable number of tampon brands in CVS. The only remedy is to drink each coffee you buy within two minutes of receiving it.
Too Many Extra Flavors (5% chance of occurring)
Again, this is usually your fault for ordering the lavender honey pickle coffee and expecting it to taste like your average macchiato.
Hot Cup (50% chance of occurring)
Results in burnt hands.
Decaf (6% chance of occurring)
At this point in the article, I think it’s important that I mention I don’t really drink coffee. I am a fraud. That being said, my neighbor drinks coffee, so I think it is my place to speak on the experiences of all coffee drinkers and to insert my opinion where necessary. From what I’ve heard from my coffee-drinking friends, receiving decaf coffee in the place of normal coffee is a day-ruining surprise.
Mismatch of Grind and Brewing Technique (45% chance of occurring)
Either watery or dreg-y (words).
Receiving the Wrong Order/Someone Else’s Order (10% chance of occurring)
Half the time this isn’t even bad, but for those particular about their coffee, it might cause a minor breakdown.
Tartar Sauce (78.3% chance of occurring)
We’ve all been there.