Thursday Detention has now become a place for me to air my grievances with the most specific brands. Today’s battle is with Tums. You sick, sick people. Boy do I have a bone to pick with you. The debated value of Tums has formed a horrific rift in my family. My dad loves Tums. Whether or not you have a stomach ache, he does not actually believe they contain medicine, so he snacks on them when possible. My mom is indifferent because she does not get sick. Sick is for the weak; she rises above stomach flus. For me? Personally I think Tums are a reincarnation of Satan himself. I’m not even religious.
There’s this funny thing medicine tends to do: it usually makes you feel better. Scientists believe medicine has fundamentally medicinal qualities. Often times it can relieve pain, nausea, swelling, infection, etc. All that fun stuff. What I find so interesting about Tums is that they are marketed as medicine for nausea, but they take a different approach to getting rid of the issue. See, rather than easing the nausea away, Tums are actually so disgracefully chalky and disgusting, that they increase your nausea in abominable ways. Thought you felt bad before? Take medicinal Tums, you’ll feel worse. And no, this isn’t the type of thing where you feel worst in order to feel better. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Tums just makes you feel worst. They are just gross. This type of medicine simply hurts you more, that way you will forget about the sickness you were feeling earlier, because you are so focused on the pain Tums have caused you now.
Thus, I have a proposal. To the many pharmacists reading Thursday Detention, or to any administrators at nationwide drug stores, I believe we need to open a new wing of medicine: intentional injuries. At your local Walgreens, this section of the pharmacy will incredibly lucrative. Who wouldn’t want medicine marketed as medicine that will actually just worsen your condition? Sounds fun to me.
There’s this funny thing medicine tends to do: it usually makes you feel better. Scientists believe medicine has fundamentally medicinal qualities. Often times it can relieve pain, nausea, swelling, infection, etc. All that fun stuff. What I find so interesting about Tums is that they are marketed as medicine for nausea, but they take a different approach to getting rid of the issue. See, rather than easing the nausea away, Tums are actually so disgracefully chalky and disgusting, that they increase your nausea in abominable ways. Thought you felt bad before? Take medicinal Tums, you’ll feel worse. And no, this isn’t the type of thing where you feel worst in order to feel better. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Tums just makes you feel worst. They are just gross. This type of medicine simply hurts you more, that way you will forget about the sickness you were feeling earlier, because you are so focused on the pain Tums have caused you now.
Thus, I have a proposal. To the many pharmacists reading Thursday Detention, or to any administrators at nationwide drug stores, I believe we need to open a new wing of medicine: intentional injuries. At your local Walgreens, this section of the pharmacy will incredibly lucrative. Who wouldn’t want medicine marketed as medicine that will actually just worsen your condition? Sounds fun to me.