Here at Thursday Detention, we value integrity along with risk taking. Often, the two are mutually exclusive -- especially in prison. With news of Amber Heard and Jack Sparrow hashing out their mutual disgust, and (equally important), women's rights being taken away in one fell swoop, the start of May was twinned with swarming judicial talk. Therefore, we thought it would be fitting to design our perfect crimes, on the hypothetical chance that we would ever commit a crime. Arson isn't for the faint-hearted, or those with asthma. 
Without further ado, here is an uncontextualized list of our writers and their perfect crimes. 

Knee: defacement of federal property via poor parallel parking

Ethel: trading state secrets for bitcoin

Edith: Slandering Wattpad

Rhubarb: NFT fraud

Bert: Gluten-free cannibalism

Beethoven: Kidnapping celebrities and tattooing their ex-lover's face on their face

Beezer: Defamation of William Shakespeare

Abs: Identity theft of either Sultan Kösen, or d.b. Cooper

ABG: Smuggling hamsters over state borders

Rat Man: Unspecified space crime

Chef: Hiding from the police to flirt with that one semi-cute policeman