Hey guys. Pitbarf here. With this being my first article at Thursday detention, I was thinking I NEED to make a statement. What better way than to stir controversy, and call out of you weak, lactose intolerant, environment saving, “It tastes better than the real thing, I swear” liars? I will rank every non-milk milk in order of most milkable to downright curdled. Let's get into it.  

First off, let’s set the milk boundaries. It cannot come from a 
  • Cow 
  • Goat 
  • Human (although my dad assures me that human milk is quite tasty) 
  • Ostrich  
or any animal. Must be plant or. Idk man not milk based. Must be plant water juice. Second, I will only cover 5 milks, those being soy, almond, flaxseed, rice, and oat. Third, these rankings will be DYNAMIC. I’m talking best “milk” in every situation. It will be a VERY SPECIFIC NUMBER OUT OF 10. (Disclaimer I’ve never drunken most of these so throw your complaints at me if you track me down). With that, let the milking commence! 
 
#1) Soy milk  
Overall: 9.6/10 
Drinking Efficiency: 7.5/10 
Viscosity: 9.8/10 
Milky likeness: 7.8/10 
 
I think soy milk is the most beautiful thing on earth. Soy milk to me is what corn is to that kid on TikTok. The best situation for it is hands-down after you just made the most awfully salty, gut-wrenching, hemorrhoid-inducing tofu. It was so bad guys you don’t even know. Not the best NMM (Non-Milk Milk) if you want to take a cold shower and you’re out of water.  
 
#2) Almond milk 
Overall: 9.5/10 
Drinking Efficiency: 8.3/10 
Viscosity: 3.9/10 
Milky likeness: 5/10 
 
I personally like this NMM. It’s not too sweet, although consuming it was not very environmentally friendly girlie of me. Best situation for it is.... fighting off British millennials with almond allergies in the apocalypse.  
 
#3) Oat milk 
Overall: 9.2/10 
Drinking Efficiency: 7.3/10 
Viscosity: 8.9/10 
Milky likeness: 6.7/10 
 
Look. I’ve never had oat milk before. I can only put my trust in the Starbies fan-addicts biting my ankles and shrieking at me, going, “OAT MILK IS MY GOD”. From what the little birdies tell me, it’s nice and sweet. No thoughts on this bad boy. Best situation for it is staving off rabid Starbucks oat-milk latte luvrs #fallaesthetic.  
 
 
#4) Rice milk  
Overall: 6.4/10 
Drinking Efficiency: 8.1/10 
Viscosity: 2/10 
Milky likeness: 4/10 
 
I did extensive research for this article (code for ‘I watched a 17-minute Good Mythical Morning episode’) and found that rice milk is extremely watery. Despite being a solid, rice milk is runny, and I can’t even imagine it tasting like anything other than strained congee. Good for showers though! And probably your hair (don’t quote me on that). 
 
#5) Flaxseed milk 
Overall: 1.05/10 
Drinking Efficiency: 0/10 cuz who drinks this shit 
Viscosity: ?? 
Milky likeness: 0/10 
 
No.  
 
--☞-- 
Back at Thursday Detention headquarters (it’s a cave we carved into the dungeon don’t tell anyone), we had a VERY heated discussion. Weaves were snatched, discord kittens were kicked off the call, and dark secrets were uncovered. I hope all of you may experience the bloodbath we did when we discovered [fire crocs] poured the Non-Milk Milk before the cereal. Truly an awakening. If you’d like to scream at me because oat milk is not #1, go ahead! Shoot Thursday Detention an email and I will cry violently while I read it. * 
 
* Any controversy and/or frustration with my decision should be taken up with Queen Elizabeth the II. 
 
 
Much love and milk, 
Pitbarf