Hey guys. Pitbarf here. I’ve heard that my last article like. BLEW UP. Like it was a BOOMIN’ article. So, I’m gonna pull a pro-gamer move and milk (get it aha) that exact structure again and again. Can’t wait for the Despicable Me franchise to milk every penny out of those poor yellow tic-tacs and grumpy man. Today, I’ll go over the most efficient ways to kill a plant, from least to most dangerous and sexy. Let’s get into it.
First, we have to define the keywords PLANT and DANGEROUS and SEXY. Plant in this case will be a house plant. A neon pothos to be exact. I’ll be using a pothos because I have extremely…personal experience with them. I’ll never forgive
Gary for dying on me. He was a trooper. And they’re stupidly hard to kill! Dangerous in this case is how close you can get to death J. Sexy is hard to explain…I guess it’s how cool you look while doing it? I don’t know, you just gotta read the article. Okay, now that the terms have been set, letsa go!
1. Novice murderer – the Sitting Duck Method
This method requires much patience. Firstly, you give your plant…a talk. With this form of murder, it’s been long premeditated. Slowly, you stop watering it, choking it out and letting it go the worst way possible. (Usually) plants aren’t sentient, so you don’t have to worry about your pothos retaliating and suffocating you with your pillow. Not dangerous at all but also you don’t look SEXY. How do you look sexy watching your neon pothos wilt slowly over the course of 2 weeks? You can’t.
2. Intermediate murderer – the Paper Shredder Method
This kind of plant murder is spontaneous. Unpredictable. …Spicy. You gotta have some guts
to execute a plant this way. First, gently shush your neon pothos. Its suffering will be short. Then, peel the leaves into shreds. Maybe there’s another person in the room…and you’re making intense eye contact with them while you shred your poor plant…super sexy oooo~. But not the sexiest.
3. Expert murderer – the Mr. Koch Method
Now this. This is sexy, dangerous, plant murder. Don’t even talk to it. It doesn’t deserve a
gentle shushing or pep talk. I dedicate this method to the one and only Mr. Kelly Koch. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of being in his math class, you know he has a habit of accidental arson. Except this time, it’s completely intentional! Firstly, get yourself a blowtorch. Then, put on some George Michael and blast away! SO dangerous and SO sexy. You totally look sexy blasting a blowtorch at a neon pothos. Get it girl!
As I stare longingly at my empty pot that used to house Gary, I reminisce on all the good times we had together. I remember one night he was barely standing. Close to death, I spritzed some A grade tap water on him and overnight he magically sprung back up, full of life and vigor. Now, that’s nothing but a memory. This article is written in memorial of Gary, my once full of life neon pothos. May he live on in our memories.
Best,
Pitbarf
First, we have to define the keywords PLANT and DANGEROUS and SEXY. Plant in this case will be a house plant. A neon pothos to be exact. I’ll be using a pothos because I have extremely…personal experience with them. I’ll never forgive
Gary for dying on me. He was a trooper. And they’re stupidly hard to kill! Dangerous in this case is how close you can get to death J. Sexy is hard to explain…I guess it’s how cool you look while doing it? I don’t know, you just gotta read the article. Okay, now that the terms have been set, letsa go!
1. Novice murderer – the Sitting Duck Method
This method requires much patience. Firstly, you give your plant…a talk. With this form of murder, it’s been long premeditated. Slowly, you stop watering it, choking it out and letting it go the worst way possible. (Usually) plants aren’t sentient, so you don’t have to worry about your pothos retaliating and suffocating you with your pillow. Not dangerous at all but also you don’t look SEXY. How do you look sexy watching your neon pothos wilt slowly over the course of 2 weeks? You can’t.
2. Intermediate murderer – the Paper Shredder Method
This kind of plant murder is spontaneous. Unpredictable. …Spicy. You gotta have some guts
to execute a plant this way. First, gently shush your neon pothos. Its suffering will be short. Then, peel the leaves into shreds. Maybe there’s another person in the room…and you’re making intense eye contact with them while you shred your poor plant…super sexy oooo~. But not the sexiest.
3. Expert murderer – the Mr. Koch Method
Now this. This is sexy, dangerous, plant murder. Don’t even talk to it. It doesn’t deserve a
gentle shushing or pep talk. I dedicate this method to the one and only Mr. Kelly Koch. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of being in his math class, you know he has a habit of accidental arson. Except this time, it’s completely intentional! Firstly, get yourself a blowtorch. Then, put on some George Michael and blast away! SO dangerous and SO sexy. You totally look sexy blasting a blowtorch at a neon pothos. Get it girl!
As I stare longingly at my empty pot that used to house Gary, I reminisce on all the good times we had together. I remember one night he was barely standing. Close to death, I spritzed some A grade tap water on him and overnight he magically sprung back up, full of life and vigor. Now, that’s nothing but a memory. This article is written in memorial of Gary, my once full of life neon pothos. May he live on in our memories.
Best,
Pitbarf