WELCOME TO SPORK AND SPIFE, SETTLE YOUR STRIFE. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL THURSDAY DETENTION ADVICE COLUMN. IN THIS EDITION WE DISCUSS CURRENT ISSUES AND PRESSING MATTERS.
LET’S BEGIN.


“DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE,
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON HINDU NATIONALISM?”
SPORK: NO THOUGHTS. UNAWARE.  BY THE SOUND OF IT, NOT GOOD?  I BETTER RESEARCH, SORRY MY MAN. STAY STRONG 💪
SPIFE: THE ONLY NATIONALIST I KNOW IS ALEXANDER HAMILTON AND I THINK HE'S QUITE ANNOYING.

​
“DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE,
SHOULD I GET A BBL? IF SO, WHAT SURGEON?”
SPORK: BIGGEST FAN OF BOLOGNESE BASIL LASAGNA. SUPER SPORK FRIENDLY, WE’RE BEST BUDS.  NOT SURE ABOUT A SURGEON THOUGH?  NO NEED FOR ONE, I JUST USE MY SHARP PLASTIC EDGES TO SLICE THROUGH SMOOTHLY.

SPIFE: I ONLY LIKE PEOPLE WITH BBLS.


“DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE,
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE QUEEN DIED?”
SPORK: SHE DIED?!?
SPIFE
: I WAS SIPPING ON TEA AND EATING BISCOFF BISCUITS IN MY MEDIEVAL MANSION WHEN I HEARD THE NEWS. MY CARRIER PIGEON HAD SQUAWKED WITH DELIGHT AS HIS ANCESTORS IN BRITAIN WERE TREATED QUITE POORLY.

WE KNOW THIS EDITION COVERED A LOT OF HEAVY TOPICS. TAKE A MOMENT TO BREATHE AND DIGEST.  IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS…
PLEASE DEPOSIT YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE SPORK AND SPIFE QUESTION BOX IN THE MAIN HALL IF YOU WANT RADICAL ADVICE.