Welcome to SPORK AND SPIFE, SETTLE YOUR STRIFE. This is the official Thursday Detention advice column. In this edition, we discuss the pressing issues surrounding our helpful staff.
DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE, WHAT IF WE HAD TIME TRAVEL AS A CONSUMER PRODUCT? -STEAM GUY
SPORK: Dear STEAM Guy, I believe the elite 1% with initial access to this product will travel to the one moment in their life they ever felt wronged. This will completely destroy the space-time continuum and disintegrate reality as we know it. Elon Musk, or Zucherberg (but I’m betting on Elon), will come to rule what’s left as he pre-programmed every single possible outcome from releasing TimeX. You and I might never again be You and I. We definitely won’t remember a time before time travel and we might not even have ever existed. All that being said, I’m very excited.
SPIFE: Dear STEAM Guy, Time travel doesn’t seem quantifiable enough to become a consumer product. Do you want to be soaring through space and time only to see a middle aged woman, a prepubescent child, and a history teacher floating next to you? Idk. Not my idea of a good time.
DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE, I AM NATURALLY AN INTROVERT YET I HAVE CHOSEN A PROFESSION AND FAMILY WHERE EVERYONE IS ALWAYS YELLING AT ME. CAN YOU HELP? -UNNAMED TALL COMP SCI TEACHER
SPORK: Dear Unnamed Tall Comp Sci Teacher, I think conflict resolution is a skill anyone can learn! No matter if your birth certificate says introvert, extrovert, or Daniel Rose Calamayer. In this Golden Digital Age, I have no doubt you will be able to find a plethora of useful resources that will get you through this tough time. If not, you can always scream back. Or, begin emitting whale mating sounds. That always works for me.
SPIFE: Dear Unnamed Tall Comp Sci Teacher, Just become an extrovert what are you talking about.
DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE, WILL WE EVER GO METRIC? -PLANT BASED QUEEN
SPORK: Dear Plant Based Queen, We can dream. We can hope. We can pray. However, we must fight. We aren’t the problem, but we can be the solution. Call your local officials, send a postcard, hack into 89.3 KPCC and broadcast your propagandory messages. We can do this, but we must do this together.
SPIFE: Dear Plant Based Queen, What is metric?
DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE, HOW DO I EVALUATE ALL MY LIFE CHOICES? -GORGEOUS BLONDE
SPORK: Dear Gorgeous Blonde, I’ve never voluntarily evaluated anything unless explicitly specified by a math, physics, or chemistry problem. As far as I know, your life is not a math, physics, or chemistry problem (if this assumption is incorrect, please let me know). So, there’s nothing to evaluate! Take a walk, call a friend, smell a wet paper towel, do anything but spend time evaluating anything!
SPIFE: You should begin a excel spreadsheet with all of your choices. Mayhaps program something using Scratch to help determine the probability of success. Choices are easy if you view them all as inconsequential.
DEAR SPORK AND SPIFE, MY CAT IS PERGNAT, HELP. -GEN Z WITH A JOB
SPORK: Dear Gen Z With a Job, Congratulations! I’m overridden with joy at this news. Pergnancy is the most beautiful moment in a cat’s life. I know how long Cat has been trying, this is such a blessing. Send Cat my warmest regards and send me the kitten shower invite!
SPIFE: Dear Gen Z With a Job, I am a spife. I can’t exactly nurse cat babies can I? Figure that out before Jerry comes to troll all the mini Toms.
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