When Octopuses (Octopi? Octogons?) Discover Twitter
By: Joe Pesci
What if one day some scientist introduce an octopus to their own little phone - just to see what it would do with it.
But then.
BAM.
Octopus becomes addicted to twitter. He’s ratio-ing the president, he’s arguing about the ethics of veganism under PETA threads, he’s doxxing people who ask for his sources. He’s unstoppable.
Then.
He introduces a friend to the app, who in turn introduces a cousin, who shares the app with his husband, who posts about it on the community coral center. Lo and behold, the entire population of octopuses are on Twitter.
While on that god-forsaken bird app, the octopi discover, much to their horror, that some humans choose to eat their brethren. They’re enraged. This is their final straw. They’ve tolerated so many egregious crimes committed by the humans, but no more.
The octopi flock together and take to Twitter to rage about this atrocity.
They bash all perpetrators on twitter. Sad compilations of the names and faces of the poor, poor victims are spread across the site. For some, it isn’t enough.
The octopuses learn to adapt to and develop new, revolutionary technology. They learn how to synthesize and read DNA. One octopus discovers a way to read whether or not a human has eaten an octopus in the past 5 years through DNA. With these new advancements, the enraged octopi plot their revenge on the humans. Addresses are leaked, numbers uncovered, family and friends identified. The humans must be condemned.
With their new-found technological skills, the octopuses build humanoid-like earth suits. Donning their new flesh and wires, the animals take to land to avenge their fallen bretheren.
Slayage ensues. Revenge is swift and sweet. Humans are no more.
Moral of this story: Don't order the octopus from Poke Salad Bar. It's for the best.
But then.
BAM.
Octopus becomes addicted to twitter. He’s ratio-ing the president, he’s arguing about the ethics of veganism under PETA threads, he’s doxxing people who ask for his sources. He’s unstoppable.
Then.
He introduces a friend to the app, who in turn introduces a cousin, who shares the app with his husband, who posts about it on the community coral center. Lo and behold, the entire population of octopuses are on Twitter.
While on that god-forsaken bird app, the octopi discover, much to their horror, that some humans choose to eat their brethren. They’re enraged. This is their final straw. They’ve tolerated so many egregious crimes committed by the humans, but no more.
The octopi flock together and take to Twitter to rage about this atrocity.
They bash all perpetrators on twitter. Sad compilations of the names and faces of the poor, poor victims are spread across the site. For some, it isn’t enough.
The octopuses learn to adapt to and develop new, revolutionary technology. They learn how to synthesize and read DNA. One octopus discovers a way to read whether or not a human has eaten an octopus in the past 5 years through DNA. With these new advancements, the enraged octopi plot their revenge on the humans. Addresses are leaked, numbers uncovered, family and friends identified. The humans must be condemned.
With their new-found technological skills, the octopuses build humanoid-like earth suits. Donning their new flesh and wires, the animals take to land to avenge their fallen bretheren.
Slayage ensues. Revenge is swift and sweet. Humans are no more.
Moral of this story: Don't order the octopus from Poke Salad Bar. It's for the best.