I recently finished watching the entire Predator franchise. Here are my thoughts.
(Slight spoilers. Honestly though - if you haven’t seen the movies just don’t.)
10th place - Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
9th - Predators (2010) ⁃ God. This was bad. ⁃ First of all, they killed Danny Trejo before they killed Inmate #1 who added NOTHING to the movie, might I add. ⁃ Everyone was some sort of military personnel with a “I’ve seen things. And I liked them.” Complex that made me want to skin MYSELF alive (predator reference) ⁃ The main dude was INSUFFERABLY MID. Both in terms of looks and depth. I’ve seen puddles less shallow than him. He has the emotional range of a doorknob. His entire emotional intelligence boils down to his ability to look off into the distance and talk with a rasp. ⁃ “On Earth I’m a murderer, but among these murderous aliens… I’m normal… I don’t want to leave.” I DONT CARE. GET THERAPY. ⁃ Also I love how they establish that “oh yeah we’ve heard of these things [predator] in old reports but no we’ve never thought to give it a name” oh gosh oh golly gee whiz that means I get to name them ⁃ I dub the predator species “Space Lizard Men”. It’s final. (Splen)
8th - The Predator (2018) ⁃ I didn’t actually watch this one ⁃ I didn’t feel like paying $3.99 to rent it when all the others were free on Hulu ⁃ Seen one seen em all, so I feel like it’s safe to say it’s horribly mid.
7th - Predator 2 (1990) ⁃ Predator… in the midst of an “intense gang war” in LA? ⁃ Ok. ⁃ Whatever you say. ⁃ When Predator doesn’t kill women >>>> ⁃ Still don’t understand why he was there. ⁃ Plot? More of a suggestion, really. ⁃ Predator with no plot ⁃ I felt peer pressured into “liking” (having a connection to) the main characters - I do not know who any of these people are or what purpose they serve in this story but yes oh that’s so sad he’s dead now (what was his name again?) ⁃ “You. Human. You’ve found your way onto our ship somehow. Here’s an old revolver” ⁃ “Wow thanks, okay bye.”
6th - N/A
5th - N/A
4th - N/A
3rd - Predator (1987) ⁃ Up relatively high due to sentimental purposes. ‘Twas the first and boy oh boy did they do a good job ⁃ Honestly considering this was the first of the predator movies it did kinda slay ⁃ It did what had to be done ⁃ The White Man spanish was pretty wack ⁃ PREDATORS MASK. THE DESIGN. Im in love with him. ⁃ Click click click click ⁃ He’s able to mimic human speech using recordings - very sad to not see this utilized in the other movies ⁃ “You’re one ugly mf” iconic. One of my daily affirmations. Love. ⁃ Very sad that some of the original lore seen here never got any love in any of the other movies. ⁃ What ever happened to the only survivor- the girl? (Common feminist predator W) literally why does she never show up again.
2nd - N/A
1st & 1/2 - Prey (2022) ⁃ too good. Too good. TOO GOOD. ⁃ This would be first if AVP didn’t exist ⁃ Not a military man in sight - my kind of movie. ⁃ Love the historical twist on it, very much enjoyed seeing Predator shred a bunch of French trappers to pieces ⁃ Constantly had me asking: Okay, but where’d the dog go? ⁃ Again, proving Predator is a feminist, doesn’t kill women >>>> ⁃ The old revolver seen in P2 shows up here which honestly just confused me more but I’ll overlook it. We ball. ⁃ Love. ⁃ Please watch.
1st - Alien vs. Predator (2004) ⁃ Peak. Cinema. ⁃ Who allowed them to SERVE this hard? ⁃ This movie deserves a Nobel peace prize. A Pulitzer. An Oscar. An Emmy. A Tony. A Johnny. All of the above, extra pickles on the side please. ⁃ Maybe I’m biased because guess what - NOT A MILITARY MAN IN SIGHT. The few dudes who had guns died so it was a W ⁃ This is like Atlantis but better, because it’s Predator ⁃ I’m also a sucker for pyramids, and even though the historical lore was a bit funky, I sure did enjoy seeing a Pyramid under Ice ⁃ They could easily turn this into Predator on Ice and i would buy seasonal tickets. ⁃ THEY TEAMED UP WITH HUMANS ⁃ Alls well that ends well too because the explosions that have become trademark with the series didn’t hurt anyone because get this - they were in ANTARCTICA ⁃ Asked some pretty heavy duty questions, which I did enjoy. (“What will you remember when you die? What will others remember you for?”) ⁃ This is my favorite movie ever. ⁃ Again, Predator = feminist. No kill women.
In conclusion. Alien vs. Predator is the only movie ever, and you are not a true feminist if you have not seen it.
(Slight spoilers. Honestly though - if you haven’t seen the movies just don’t.)
10th place - Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)
- you may be thinking: Joe Pesci, there aren’t even 10 Predator movies. How is AVP: Requiem 10th?
- It’s bad. Very bad. That’s why.
- The only redeeming quality it has is that we get to see the cool predator/alien hybrid in action. He’s a very spooky dude, I do enjoy him.
- I feel like this paraphrased bit of dialogue should be enough to explain my hatred for this movie:
- “You [the US government/military] just bombed Colorado. You killed everybody.”
- “Just following orders.”
- “Oh okay.” ⁃ ???????????????????????????????????????
9th - Predators (2010) ⁃ God. This was bad. ⁃ First of all, they killed Danny Trejo before they killed Inmate #1 who added NOTHING to the movie, might I add. ⁃ Everyone was some sort of military personnel with a “I’ve seen things. And I liked them.” Complex that made me want to skin MYSELF alive (predator reference) ⁃ The main dude was INSUFFERABLY MID. Both in terms of looks and depth. I’ve seen puddles less shallow than him. He has the emotional range of a doorknob. His entire emotional intelligence boils down to his ability to look off into the distance and talk with a rasp. ⁃ “On Earth I’m a murderer, but among these murderous aliens… I’m normal… I don’t want to leave.” I DONT CARE. GET THERAPY. ⁃ Also I love how they establish that “oh yeah we’ve heard of these things [predator] in old reports but no we’ve never thought to give it a name” oh gosh oh golly gee whiz that means I get to name them ⁃ I dub the predator species “Space Lizard Men”. It’s final. (Splen)
8th - The Predator (2018) ⁃ I didn’t actually watch this one ⁃ I didn’t feel like paying $3.99 to rent it when all the others were free on Hulu ⁃ Seen one seen em all, so I feel like it’s safe to say it’s horribly mid.
7th - Predator 2 (1990) ⁃ Predator… in the midst of an “intense gang war” in LA? ⁃ Ok. ⁃ Whatever you say. ⁃ When Predator doesn’t kill women >>>> ⁃ Still don’t understand why he was there. ⁃ Plot? More of a suggestion, really. ⁃ Predator with no plot ⁃ I felt peer pressured into “liking” (having a connection to) the main characters - I do not know who any of these people are or what purpose they serve in this story but yes oh that’s so sad he’s dead now (what was his name again?) ⁃ “You. Human. You’ve found your way onto our ship somehow. Here’s an old revolver” ⁃ “Wow thanks, okay bye.”
6th - N/A
5th - N/A
4th - N/A
3rd - Predator (1987) ⁃ Up relatively high due to sentimental purposes. ‘Twas the first and boy oh boy did they do a good job ⁃ Honestly considering this was the first of the predator movies it did kinda slay ⁃ It did what had to be done ⁃ The White Man spanish was pretty wack ⁃ PREDATORS MASK. THE DESIGN. Im in love with him. ⁃ Click click click click ⁃ He’s able to mimic human speech using recordings - very sad to not see this utilized in the other movies ⁃ “You’re one ugly mf” iconic. One of my daily affirmations. Love. ⁃ Very sad that some of the original lore seen here never got any love in any of the other movies. ⁃ What ever happened to the only survivor- the girl? (Common feminist predator W) literally why does she never show up again.
2nd - N/A
1st & 1/2 - Prey (2022) ⁃ too good. Too good. TOO GOOD. ⁃ This would be first if AVP didn’t exist ⁃ Not a military man in sight - my kind of movie. ⁃ Love the historical twist on it, very much enjoyed seeing Predator shred a bunch of French trappers to pieces ⁃ Constantly had me asking: Okay, but where’d the dog go? ⁃ Again, proving Predator is a feminist, doesn’t kill women >>>> ⁃ The old revolver seen in P2 shows up here which honestly just confused me more but I’ll overlook it. We ball. ⁃ Love. ⁃ Please watch.
1st - Alien vs. Predator (2004) ⁃ Peak. Cinema. ⁃ Who allowed them to SERVE this hard? ⁃ This movie deserves a Nobel peace prize. A Pulitzer. An Oscar. An Emmy. A Tony. A Johnny. All of the above, extra pickles on the side please. ⁃ Maybe I’m biased because guess what - NOT A MILITARY MAN IN SIGHT. The few dudes who had guns died so it was a W ⁃ This is like Atlantis but better, because it’s Predator ⁃ I’m also a sucker for pyramids, and even though the historical lore was a bit funky, I sure did enjoy seeing a Pyramid under Ice ⁃ They could easily turn this into Predator on Ice and i would buy seasonal tickets. ⁃ THEY TEAMED UP WITH HUMANS ⁃ Alls well that ends well too because the explosions that have become trademark with the series didn’t hurt anyone because get this - they were in ANTARCTICA ⁃ Asked some pretty heavy duty questions, which I did enjoy. (“What will you remember when you die? What will others remember you for?”) ⁃ This is my favorite movie ever. ⁃ Again, Predator = feminist. No kill women.
In conclusion. Alien vs. Predator is the only movie ever, and you are not a true feminist if you have not seen it.
