This Christmas season Thursday Detention writers L.E. and Mump have brought in a special guest to give you our exclusive 2022 Gift Guide.
L.E.: Today is the week before the week before Christmas, which means every store around you is gearing up to mark down the items they marked up last week! Seriously, what do you even get anyone these days? I’m as lost as a toddler dropped on an abandoned stretch of route 66 before the invention of the cell phone! Here with some tips on great gifts to check out is our special correspondent, Slefon.
Slefon: Hi. *Brushes side bangs out of eyes in a sexy way which illustrates his blatant rejection of classical masculinity and his appeal to the female gaze*
Mump: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Slefon. I know I’m looking for a lot of gifts this year because capitalist interests in this country have convinced Americans that their adoration for their loved ones is quantified by the amount of money they spend. Do you have recommendations for a present anybody would like?
Slefon: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. The hottest gift right now is the fake 2.04 billion dollar lottery ticket. Is there someone who you’d want nothing more than to see emotionally destroyed? Someone who deserves to be so scorched by the flames of your rage that they end up in the hospital for longer than Jay Leno? Tell them they were the one who bought the winning lottery ticket in Altadena. Exact revenge. Enter your reputation era.
L.E.: Wow, thank you Slefon. That’s a great idea for anybody, but I want something a little more specific. What would you recommend something for the men in the family?
Slefon: Yes, yes, yes. If you are a man and tore your ACL in your senior year, I have the perfect gift for you: athlete’s foot for the non-athlete. Do you miss the glory days of almost going D1 before your traumatic injury? Do you like the satisfaction of picking a scab but want none of the scarring? Try Non-athlete’s Foot, from the brand that brought you Trenchfoot for the Civilian.
Mump: Slefon, that’s a good idea but my failed lacrosse player grandfather lost his feet to frostbite. Is there anything else I could get a man?
Slefon: If he is more the type to be a discord mod living in his baby mama’s basement, try coercing Elon Musk to sell him Twitter. Give the gift of setting fire to 44 billion dollars and boosting his man ego as he bans all the feminists and reinstates his fellow incels.
L.E.: Slefon that is a very impolite way to describe Mump’s grandfather. These gifts have been original, but they all seem a little mature. What should I give to children this Christmas?
Slefon: Yes! Yes, yes, yes. I know the best gift for people under 5’0” this Christmas. Tell me, have you ever paid NASA to write your name on a star?
L.E.: Well, I’m not sure that’s exactly what the process is, but yes, I’ve paid to name a star before. Why, do you have an idea like that?
Slefon: The hottest gift for workshop elves this year is naming the space between stars. Did you ever use up all the stickers on a sheet and then use the connected leftover background scrap as well? Name the inky blackness and be rewarded with the knowledge that your purchase will never explode.
Mump: Slefon, is there a difference between a workshop elf and a normal elf?
Slefon: It’s– May I consult a lawyer? I don’t want to get canceled.
Mump: Sure.
Slefon: Great, he’s an attorney and a professional unplumber named Sly. Sly?
*Sly enters with briefcase*
Mump: Hello Sly. Could you clarify what Slefon was trying to say?
*Sly and Slefon consult through an intimate kiss.*
Slefon: Yes, yes. Workshop elves are the short-haired uggos too hideous to be shown on screen in the Lord of the Rings movies. Santa hires them as part of an equity initiative.
Mump: I’m so glad you and Sly were able to be politically correct.
L.E.: Well Slefon, thank you for those recommendations. I have a lot to think about in terms of gifts. Any last words?
Slefon: McGregor for Head 2024.
*Audience breaks out into uproar*
L.E.: Today is the week before the week before Christmas, which means every store around you is gearing up to mark down the items they marked up last week! Seriously, what do you even get anyone these days? I’m as lost as a toddler dropped on an abandoned stretch of route 66 before the invention of the cell phone! Here with some tips on great gifts to check out is our special correspondent, Slefon.
Slefon: Hi. *Brushes side bangs out of eyes in a sexy way which illustrates his blatant rejection of classical masculinity and his appeal to the female gaze*
Mump: Hi. Thank you so much for joining us, Slefon. I know I’m looking for a lot of gifts this year because capitalist interests in this country have convinced Americans that their adoration for their loved ones is quantified by the amount of money they spend. Do you have recommendations for a present anybody would like?
Slefon: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. The hottest gift right now is the fake 2.04 billion dollar lottery ticket. Is there someone who you’d want nothing more than to see emotionally destroyed? Someone who deserves to be so scorched by the flames of your rage that they end up in the hospital for longer than Jay Leno? Tell them they were the one who bought the winning lottery ticket in Altadena. Exact revenge. Enter your reputation era.
L.E.: Wow, thank you Slefon. That’s a great idea for anybody, but I want something a little more specific. What would you recommend something for the men in the family?
Slefon: Yes, yes, yes. If you are a man and tore your ACL in your senior year, I have the perfect gift for you: athlete’s foot for the non-athlete. Do you miss the glory days of almost going D1 before your traumatic injury? Do you like the satisfaction of picking a scab but want none of the scarring? Try Non-athlete’s Foot, from the brand that brought you Trenchfoot for the Civilian.
Mump: Slefon, that’s a good idea but my failed lacrosse player grandfather lost his feet to frostbite. Is there anything else I could get a man?
Slefon: If he is more the type to be a discord mod living in his baby mama’s basement, try coercing Elon Musk to sell him Twitter. Give the gift of setting fire to 44 billion dollars and boosting his man ego as he bans all the feminists and reinstates his fellow incels.
L.E.: Slefon that is a very impolite way to describe Mump’s grandfather. These gifts have been original, but they all seem a little mature. What should I give to children this Christmas?
Slefon: Yes! Yes, yes, yes. I know the best gift for people under 5’0” this Christmas. Tell me, have you ever paid NASA to write your name on a star?
L.E.: Well, I’m not sure that’s exactly what the process is, but yes, I’ve paid to name a star before. Why, do you have an idea like that?
Slefon: The hottest gift for workshop elves this year is naming the space between stars. Did you ever use up all the stickers on a sheet and then use the connected leftover background scrap as well? Name the inky blackness and be rewarded with the knowledge that your purchase will never explode.
Mump: Slefon, is there a difference between a workshop elf and a normal elf?
Slefon: It’s– May I consult a lawyer? I don’t want to get canceled.
Mump: Sure.
Slefon: Great, he’s an attorney and a professional unplumber named Sly. Sly?
*Sly enters with briefcase*
Mump: Hello Sly. Could you clarify what Slefon was trying to say?
*Sly and Slefon consult through an intimate kiss.*
Slefon: Yes, yes. Workshop elves are the short-haired uggos too hideous to be shown on screen in the Lord of the Rings movies. Santa hires them as part of an equity initiative.
Mump: I’m so glad you and Sly were able to be politically correct.
L.E.: Well Slefon, thank you for those recommendations. I have a lot to think about in terms of gifts. Any last words?
Slefon: McGregor for Head 2024.
*Audience breaks out into uproar*
