Welcome to SPORK AND SPIFE, SETTLE YOUR STRIFE. This is the official Thursday Detention advice column. In this edition, we are judging your New Year’s Resolutions!


MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION IS…
TO CONNECT WITH MY INNER RIZZLER TO BECOME 
THE TRUE RIZZARD OF OZZ.

SPORK: This is the kind of growth mindset I tremendously admire.  I fully support your rizz adventures and I wish you the best of luck.

SPIFE: Spork definitely doesn’t know what rizz is. If you’re going to become a Rizzard, at least learn to talk to people first.

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION IS…
TO ROMANTICIZE LA.

SPORK: This is such a true fact.  There are so many rad hotspots to explore in LA.  My best advice is to think like a tourist.  Extra challenge: see how many times you can say “this is so LA!” when you’re roaming about.

SPIFE: I encourage you to go through LA and find the 7 LA Totems named in the show, “You” starring Penn Badgley. 

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION IS…
TO DRINK 1 GLASS OF WATER A DAY

SPORK: For maximum enjoyment, use a spork and slurp instead of drink. 

SPIFE: That is not a New Year’s resolution. That is my day to day life.

MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION IS…
TO BECOME A GYM RAT. BULK. CUT. EVERYTHING

SPORK: Although I’ve had a bad history with rats, I’m trying to keep a more open mind this year.  To this I say: “yes, and?”

SPIFE: Get buff. Get gains. Get women. Get Money. This is the true alpha way of life. Be like Liver King. Take steroids. Inhale your protein power. 

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