As soon as I received my schedule for the school year, something smelled fishy.
I was in AP Art History.
Art History.
My dead last choice. Looking past my immediate outrage at the Upper School Administration, I, as an adept conspiracy theorist, was able to investigate this situation and uncover secrets about Westridge darker than anyone could have imagined. I have come to the logical and indisputable conclusion that AP Art History is in fact a FAKE CLASS.
You may be asking “AP Art History is a fake class? But my friend takes AP Art History and it’s definitely running this year!” I don’t mean “fake class” as in it’s not happening. That’s the whole point! It’s happening right under our noses! No one is learning JACK SQUAT about real history in that class!
Firstly, how do you expect to learn about the history of the entire world through a College Board curated list of just 250 art pieces? We couldn’t even make art until 50,000 years ago, so learning history through art is limiting us to less than 1% of the Earth’s history. Secondly, even though Westridge is supposedly “moving away” from AP curriculum, AP Art History is still running, with no replacement in sight! How can Westridge say they detest the College Board while still making us inevitably cram for a three hour multiple choice standardized test about some cave painting that will provide nothing of value to us in the future!? Thirdly, through my definitively comprehensive, personal anecdotal study, there is not a single person in AP Art History who chose this as their first choice. However, there are a full THREE BLOCKS of AP Art History running this year. Compare that to REAL history courses such as Ethics or Modern Middle East, which are each only running during ONE measly block and contributing to Mr. Finnerman’s nightmarish worklife. But why would Westridge divert us away from meaningful history classes in order to take AP Art History? Well the fact of the matter is, Westridge is afraid. Westridge is afraid of what will happen when intellectually mature seniors take a second and look closely at Westridge’s history. Unfortunately, their feeble attempt at subduing me with their indoctrination was unsuccessful. After waking up and digging deeper, I have come to realize knowledge students have only DREAMED of knowing. I know how the sewer stench came to be, I know who Matilda Tiger really is, I know what truly happened to the sloth, and I know how Westridge was ACTUALLY able to afford buying that contiguous property for “future expansion”(p.s. They’re not actually planning to build any new classrooms at all!) If you want to hear some juicy details, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until the next edition. I'm pretty sure I’ve been put on several watch lists and my every move is being monitored. Don’t worry, loyal Thursday Detention readers, as soon as I find witness protection and move into my safe house, WESTRIDGE WILL BE EXPOSED!