THURSDAY DETENTION

  • Home
  • Content 24-25
    • HIGH SCHOOL
  • Lettitor from the Editor
  • Hall of Fame
  • More
    • 23-24 Content >
      • 23-24 HIGH SCHOOL
      • 23-24 MIDDLE SCHOOL
      • 23-24 LOWER SCHOOL
    • 22-23 Content >
      • 22-23 High School
      • 22-23 Middle School
      • 22-23 Lower School
    • Contact
    • Submissions
  • About
  • Home
  • Content 24-25
    • HIGH SCHOOL
  • Lettitor from the Editor
  • Hall of Fame
  • More
    • 23-24 Content >
      • 23-24 HIGH SCHOOL
      • 23-24 MIDDLE SCHOOL
      • 23-24 LOWER SCHOOL
    • 22-23 Content >
      • 22-23 High School
      • 22-23 Middle School
      • 22-23 Lower School
    • Contact
    • Submissions
  • About

Rating Hamster Cause of Deaths

by eyebrow clippers
Hey guys. 

Some things are constant and reliable. Like how your dad will always have a copy of The Rise And Fall Of The Roman Empire, or the acrid fumes of the upstairs commons bathroom. Some things, however, are bound to change in shocking, appalling, and eye-widening ways. 

Like the death of hamsters. 

Hamsters, as a species, defy the very basic laws of natural selection. They're practically their own specimen of study, amongst credible scientists like renowned Buzzfeed author Nate (no last name). With their fragile hearts and even more fragile minds, hamsters are predisposed to a variety of different demises. 

Today, I’ll be rating these devastating events of hamster fragility by obscurity (how rare), relatability (how relatable), nose-exhalability (how likely you are to breathe out your nose akin to a silent laugh upon reading it), and analogability (how easy it is to make into an analogy for your graded annotations in English.)


  1. Swallowed a magnet and was stuck to the fridge

Obscurity: 9.67/10
Relatability: 8/10
Nose-exhalability: 9.897/10
Analogability: 10/10


  1. Exploded after feeding it Coke and Mentos

Obscurity: 6.7/10
Relatability: 9.98/10
Nose-exhalability: 7.96/10
Analogability: 10/10


  1. Got scared by ants

Obscurity: 8.3/10
Relatability: 9.211/10
Nose-exhalability: 8.63/10
Analogability: 5.4/10


  1. Died from a heart attack after dad sneezing

Obscurity: 7.2/10
Relatability: 10/10
Nose-exhalability: 6.24/10
Analogability: 7.83/10


  1. Boiled in pot for bath

Obscurity: 5.12/10
Relatability: 9.78/10
Nose-exhalability: 6.72/10
Analogability: 9.23/10


  1. Being vacuumed 

Obscurity: 5.86/10
Relatability: 7.24/10
Nose-exhalability: 4.58/10
Analogability: 7.24/10


  1. Running into the fireplace

Obscurity: 3.84/10
Relatability: 8.41/10
Nose-exhalability: 5.26/10
Analogability: 7.23/10


  1. Being microwaved

Obscurity: 7.3/10
Relatability: 3.42/10
Nose-exhalability: 4.2/10
Analogability: 9.28/10


  1. Farting too hard

Obscurity: 6.42/10
Relatability: 8.65/10
Nose-exhalability: 4.39/10
Analogability: 2.65/10


  1. Falling into the toilet

Obscurity: 3.29/10
Relatability: 7.32/10
Nose-exhalability: 6.59/10
Analogability: 2.35/10


  1. Drank too much water and exploded

Obscurity: 6.21/10
Relatability: 1.38/10
Nose-exhalability: 3.47/10
Analogability: 6.73/10


  1. The smell of nail polish while painting its nails

Obscurity: 4.58/10
Relatability: 2.37/10
Nose-exhalability: 3.46/10
Analogability: 4.82/10

Alas. The hamster deaths keep ramping up. I can’t imagine the turmoil of becoming a refrigerator magnet. Shoutout to the hamsters out there, defying survival of the fittest. Live Laugh Love, Magnet.















​
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.