Mia Nagai Bears Striking Resemblance to Kevin McCarthy
by spork
In 1965, Bakersfield-native housewife and firefighter gave birth to a future iconic political figure. A businessman turned representative. A BS in Marketing. An MBA. From California State University, Bakersfield.
Who could I be referring to? Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy? Thursday Detention Editor-in-Chief Mia Nagai?
Both.
Last year, I, diligent senior reporter Spork, exposed previous Editor-in-Chief Abigail Liang. After visiting McCarthy’s hometown of Bakersfield, I found that Liang and McCarthy were basically the same person. (Side note. For the skeptics of this conspiracy: don’t you find it quite odd that Liang now attends university in Washington, DC? The same place McCarthy resides and works?)
Examining the history and current actions of Mia Nagai, I’m here to report that this conspiracy extends farther than I could’ve imagined.
As Editor-in-Chief, Nagai holds as much power as McCarthy. She governs a body of representatives. She leads meetings. She resolves partisan conflicts within the Thursday Detention staff. The coincidences don’t end there.
I went back to Bakersfield.
The hot, dry, valley wind slapped me as soon as I stepped out of the jet. (Please don’t tell Mia I used the company credit card and Thursday Detention private jet for this trip. I told her I had a dentist appointment three days in a row). I could smell the conservatism.
Identical houses filled the cul-de-sac. Yellow grass in every lawn. I barely found the right home. In fact, I thought I rang the wrong doorbell at first. No one answered. I flew all the 116 miles from LAX to Bakersfield to confront McCarthy’s alleged parents. I began to walk back to the limousine (please don’t tell Mia I used the company limousine for this trip, I told her it was in the repair shop), when rustling in the bushes made me turn around. Just for a moment, a fleeting glimpse, I witnessed Kevin McCarthy’s parents run out their back door, awkwardly climb over their white picket fence, and disappear into the endless Bakersfield suburbia. Seeing their slow run, clutching their backs, evading journalistic truth, I knew. Mia was a McCarthy.
I will be honest. There is one flaw in my conspiracy. Mia Nagai has recently been reinstated as a Debate Team Captain. McCarthy is still in a fetal position on the House floor.
The real question is, are only Abigail Liang and Mia Nagai identical to Kevin McCarthy? Or every past and future Thursday Detention Editor-in-Chief? Stay on the lookout for abuses of power. We are never safe from the grasp of McCarthyism.
Who could I be referring to? Former Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy? Thursday Detention Editor-in-Chief Mia Nagai?
Both.
Last year, I, diligent senior reporter Spork, exposed previous Editor-in-Chief Abigail Liang. After visiting McCarthy’s hometown of Bakersfield, I found that Liang and McCarthy were basically the same person. (Side note. For the skeptics of this conspiracy: don’t you find it quite odd that Liang now attends university in Washington, DC? The same place McCarthy resides and works?)
Examining the history and current actions of Mia Nagai, I’m here to report that this conspiracy extends farther than I could’ve imagined.
As Editor-in-Chief, Nagai holds as much power as McCarthy. She governs a body of representatives. She leads meetings. She resolves partisan conflicts within the Thursday Detention staff. The coincidences don’t end there.
I went back to Bakersfield.
The hot, dry, valley wind slapped me as soon as I stepped out of the jet. (Please don’t tell Mia I used the company credit card and Thursday Detention private jet for this trip. I told her I had a dentist appointment three days in a row). I could smell the conservatism.
Identical houses filled the cul-de-sac. Yellow grass in every lawn. I barely found the right home. In fact, I thought I rang the wrong doorbell at first. No one answered. I flew all the 116 miles from LAX to Bakersfield to confront McCarthy’s alleged parents. I began to walk back to the limousine (please don’t tell Mia I used the company limousine for this trip, I told her it was in the repair shop), when rustling in the bushes made me turn around. Just for a moment, a fleeting glimpse, I witnessed Kevin McCarthy’s parents run out their back door, awkwardly climb over their white picket fence, and disappear into the endless Bakersfield suburbia. Seeing their slow run, clutching their backs, evading journalistic truth, I knew. Mia was a McCarthy.
I will be honest. There is one flaw in my conspiracy. Mia Nagai has recently been reinstated as a Debate Team Captain. McCarthy is still in a fetal position on the House floor.
The real question is, are only Abigail Liang and Mia Nagai identical to Kevin McCarthy? Or every past and future Thursday Detention Editor-in-Chief? Stay on the lookout for abuses of power. We are never safe from the grasp of McCarthyism.
