There has been a fast-traveling, (by which I mean an invention of the past two-or-so years) Westridge-centric endemic.
After the global pandemic quarantine subsided, a new local disease took its place right under the noses of student, staff, and faculty alike. The origin of this curse comes from none other than Thursday Detention’s former Editor in Chief; a woman of many names and aliases, she carries the mark of a true criminal. This con went by the name of Amish Baby Girl (ABG) and even had the gall to refer to herself as a senator. Although, maybe the title of senator is somewhat fitting, given she was NOT elected by popular vote. It turns out that our publication has somewhat of a thing for dictators. For crying out loud, bring your memory back to our current editor’s campaign speech during elections. Wake up Westridge! There was a nepotistic felon amongst us who parted with a psychological bioweapon. Do not let your peers squat and snicker simultaneously. It is a natural abomination. At the risk of inciting mass paranoia across Westridge campus, this issue unfortunately must be addressed: the shiggles — beware when you step into bathrooms.
Stallstreeet has taken sh*ts and giggles far too literally. Just the other day I heard someone shiggling away from inside a stall. It was frightening to say the least. Stay safe from these germs fellas! Many students have reported overhearing heavy nose-breaths, snorts, chuckles, giggles, and laughs of all kinds from stall neighbors who are planted firmly upon their unsanitary perches. The masses indicate that 43% of students have fallen victim to one of these symptoms themselves (the faculty has yet to be surveyed on their experience with the shiggles flu). The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has yet to pick up on this problem, but there is no doubt that they will soon. This illness poses an imminent threat to the dignity of each and every one of us. Wear blinds as you step into your pissing pods, people. Run for the hills like a Scandinavian immigrant living in Johnsontown in 1889 if you hear so much as a jovial lilt in the breath of your nearby toilet companion.
To better prepare for the possibility of shiggles contraction, here are things that may make you more susceptible: eating purple carrots, having hazel eyes, owning a hamster, having a Riverdale phase (but for this one we might have to thank evolution for weeding out the weak), collecting stamps, having familial or otherwise relations to Mitch McConnell, and/or ever getting *too* into kissing a sea cucumber.
After the global pandemic quarantine subsided, a new local disease took its place right under the noses of student, staff, and faculty alike. The origin of this curse comes from none other than Thursday Detention’s former Editor in Chief; a woman of many names and aliases, she carries the mark of a true criminal. This con went by the name of Amish Baby Girl (ABG) and even had the gall to refer to herself as a senator. Although, maybe the title of senator is somewhat fitting, given she was NOT elected by popular vote. It turns out that our publication has somewhat of a thing for dictators. For crying out loud, bring your memory back to our current editor’s campaign speech during elections. Wake up Westridge! There was a nepotistic felon amongst us who parted with a psychological bioweapon. Do not let your peers squat and snicker simultaneously. It is a natural abomination. At the risk of inciting mass paranoia across Westridge campus, this issue unfortunately must be addressed: the shiggles — beware when you step into bathrooms.
Stallstreeet has taken sh*ts and giggles far too literally. Just the other day I heard someone shiggling away from inside a stall. It was frightening to say the least. Stay safe from these germs fellas! Many students have reported overhearing heavy nose-breaths, snorts, chuckles, giggles, and laughs of all kinds from stall neighbors who are planted firmly upon their unsanitary perches. The masses indicate that 43% of students have fallen victim to one of these symptoms themselves (the faculty has yet to be surveyed on their experience with the shiggles flu). The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has yet to pick up on this problem, but there is no doubt that they will soon. This illness poses an imminent threat to the dignity of each and every one of us. Wear blinds as you step into your pissing pods, people. Run for the hills like a Scandinavian immigrant living in Johnsontown in 1889 if you hear so much as a jovial lilt in the breath of your nearby toilet companion.
To better prepare for the possibility of shiggles contraction, here are things that may make you more susceptible: eating purple carrots, having hazel eyes, owning a hamster, having a Riverdale phase (but for this one we might have to thank evolution for weeding out the weak), collecting stamps, having familial or otherwise relations to Mitch McConnell, and/or ever getting *too* into kissing a sea cucumber.
