INTRO
Ya’ll loved my Man Bathroom article - like LOVED it. Everyone and anyone who’s anyone read it. Mr. Harrison and Raines became local legends thanks to me. The article was obviously a work of genius, so when it was nominated for a Pulitzer the paparazzi could not stop swarming me. They found my house and tried to record my conversations with my family like the cameramen do with Timothée and Kylie at every public venue.
I feared for my safety. I had to go incognito, not publish anything, and stay in the dark – like Batman.
I was fending for my life, growing more depressed every day by the all-black outfits my newly-hired marketing agent forced on me when I received a threatening text from our very own Editor-in-Chief, Mia Nagai.
Yes, you heard that right. I was being hounded by the press for my genius article and then Ms. Nagai used my secret phone number to force another article out of me. She said Thursday Detention was “desperate” and I (with a Pulitzer nomination, headlining SNL, and a cover on Women’s Magazine) was their “saving grace." Well Ms. Nagai . . . your pity party worked. Here you go - you comedy starved citizens:
MAN CAR
They lunch together, they bathroom together, and in case you didn’t know, they carpool together. Yes, at around 3:30 every afternoon (unless they have a teacher meeting) Mr. Raines and Mr. Harrison pile into a Black (bulletproof?) SUV.
It’s as sketch as an undercooked chicken.
Besides soccer parents** and the United States Secret Service, who on God’s gracious earth drives a Black SUV?! Just Ed and Bill, I guess. Whether there’s rain, snow, sleet, or hail (in the case of SoCal: extreme heat, earthquakes, fires, or landslides), Man Car ensues. But why do two grown, licensed-men carpool? It can’t be an environmental pursuit; Mr. Harrison is a proud climate change denier, famously declaring, “I’m all for progress but I can’t stand change.” Why a Black Sports Utility Vehicle for two people? And if they spend lunch and bathroom together – how could these frenemies/couple/twins spend any more time together?!?! As a well-trained, Pulitzer Prize nominated, Thursday Detention journalist I’ve done all the work for you.
Here is what people believe goes down in Man Car.
- Much like the time machine in the bathroom, this sus Black SUV is actually a portal to another dimension (think the Magic School Bus but without kids)
- Man Car is really just one stop on Metro’s new carpool system. Raines and Harrison are a part of this communal bussing sh*t show to save up gas money for their long awaited, soon-to-never-happen road trip.
- They have an SUV because they thought all big cars were also Transformers.
- Raines and Harrison are secretly world-renown karaoke champions. School doesn’t give them the time and space to practice, so rehearsals are held in the blackout-windowed car with impeccable speakers. If you listen closely when they drive away, you’ll hear the bass line pumping.
- Inside is a Barbie Dream House kitchen equipped with a reversible oven that’s always stocked with freshly baked cookies.
- It’s a giant SUV so it can double as a disco. Raines and Harrison don’t drive around LA in silence! Disco dance music is a must and always on shuffle inside their glittered, wood paneled, neon-outfitted party bus. It reminds them of the good ol’ days.
- Stolen from the Secret Service. Ed and Bill are fugitives of the law.
**As a major newspaper with a global audience, we at Thursday Detention recognize our ethical responsibility to promptly correct all factual errors, large and small, and all bias, blatant and micro. The original publication of this article used the term “soccer mom” which we have since struck as it is insensitive to the many soccer dads and supportive fathers in the world. We apologize and will do better. Should you feel inclined to comment, critique, or give constructive criticism about coverage your thoughts can be sent personally to Editor in Chief, Mia Nagai’s secret phone number: 626-660-7933 or emailed at MN249662westridge.org.
Finally, we’d like to acknowledge the New York Times. Thank you for letting us plagiarize your code of conduct. Irony is how we strive to rise, indeed.
Ya’ll loved my Man Bathroom article - like LOVED it. Everyone and anyone who’s anyone read it. Mr. Harrison and Raines became local legends thanks to me. The article was obviously a work of genius, so when it was nominated for a Pulitzer the paparazzi could not stop swarming me. They found my house and tried to record my conversations with my family like the cameramen do with Timothée and Kylie at every public venue.
I feared for my safety. I had to go incognito, not publish anything, and stay in the dark – like Batman.
I was fending for my life, growing more depressed every day by the all-black outfits my newly-hired marketing agent forced on me when I received a threatening text from our very own Editor-in-Chief, Mia Nagai.
Yes, you heard that right. I was being hounded by the press for my genius article and then Ms. Nagai used my secret phone number to force another article out of me. She said Thursday Detention was “desperate” and I (with a Pulitzer nomination, headlining SNL, and a cover on Women’s Magazine) was their “saving grace." Well Ms. Nagai . . . your pity party worked. Here you go - you comedy starved citizens:
MAN CAR
They lunch together, they bathroom together, and in case you didn’t know, they carpool together. Yes, at around 3:30 every afternoon (unless they have a teacher meeting) Mr. Raines and Mr. Harrison pile into a Black (bulletproof?) SUV.
It’s as sketch as an undercooked chicken.
Besides soccer parents** and the United States Secret Service, who on God’s gracious earth drives a Black SUV?! Just Ed and Bill, I guess. Whether there’s rain, snow, sleet, or hail (in the case of SoCal: extreme heat, earthquakes, fires, or landslides), Man Car ensues. But why do two grown, licensed-men carpool? It can’t be an environmental pursuit; Mr. Harrison is a proud climate change denier, famously declaring, “I’m all for progress but I can’t stand change.” Why a Black Sports Utility Vehicle for two people? And if they spend lunch and bathroom together – how could these frenemies/couple/twins spend any more time together?!?! As a well-trained, Pulitzer Prize nominated, Thursday Detention journalist I’ve done all the work for you.
Here is what people believe goes down in Man Car.
- Much like the time machine in the bathroom, this sus Black SUV is actually a portal to another dimension (think the Magic School Bus but without kids)
- Man Car is really just one stop on Metro’s new carpool system. Raines and Harrison are a part of this communal bussing sh*t show to save up gas money for their long awaited, soon-to-never-happen road trip.
- They have an SUV because they thought all big cars were also Transformers.
- Raines and Harrison are secretly world-renown karaoke champions. School doesn’t give them the time and space to practice, so rehearsals are held in the blackout-windowed car with impeccable speakers. If you listen closely when they drive away, you’ll hear the bass line pumping.
- Inside is a Barbie Dream House kitchen equipped with a reversible oven that’s always stocked with freshly baked cookies.
- It’s a giant SUV so it can double as a disco. Raines and Harrison don’t drive around LA in silence! Disco dance music is a must and always on shuffle inside their glittered, wood paneled, neon-outfitted party bus. It reminds them of the good ol’ days.
- Stolen from the Secret Service. Ed and Bill are fugitives of the law.
**As a major newspaper with a global audience, we at Thursday Detention recognize our ethical responsibility to promptly correct all factual errors, large and small, and all bias, blatant and micro. The original publication of this article used the term “soccer mom” which we have since struck as it is insensitive to the many soccer dads and supportive fathers in the world. We apologize and will do better. Should you feel inclined to comment, critique, or give constructive criticism about coverage your thoughts can be sent personally to Editor in Chief, Mia Nagai’s secret phone number: 626-660-7933 or emailed at MN249662westridge.org.
Finally, we’d like to acknowledge the New York Times. Thank you for letting us plagiarize your code of conduct. Irony is how we strive to rise, indeed.