Let me cut to the chase. Thursday Detention is not funny. In fact, this publication has not been funny for the past 2 years. After the 2nd semester of the 2021-2022 school year hit, I just can’t say I’ve laughed or even chuckled at a single Thursday Detention article. There is no single person responsible for this shift in quality, everyone is to blame including me, budderball. My articles are GARBAGE. But don’t worry Westridge, after completing my senior thesis on this subject, I have discovered what will return Thursday Detention to its former glory. See below:
Why Thursday Detention Isn’t Funny
How to fix Thursday Detention
Why Thursday Detention Isn’t Funny
- Our articles are too long. Look at the OG Thursday Detention articles. At most, they’re pushing 300 words. The editors back then knew our attention spans were fried. We need to cut out our 1200-word articles about slightly amusing childhood stories (looking at you, budderball). Unfortunately, no one cares.
- No pandemic. From my studies, it is clear that somehow being locked in our houses and being forced to attend school from a Teams call is extremely beneficial to the creative process of writing spoof newspaper articles.
- No calling out Westridge faculty. We have strayed from the days when dissing Westridge teachers on the regular were acceptable article topics. Now, we’re scared to even poke fun at Man Lunch!
- No English department slander. Why did this stop? We used to look up to Thursday Detention as the outlet for what the student body felt but couldn’t say, but now we’re just as scared as the rest of Westridge. What is Westridge culture without hating on our English grades? If we continue to live in this fear we will never see another masterpiece like this in our lifetimes
How to fix Thursday Detention
- Fire the higher ups. If they do not strive for a funnier Thursday Detention, then I alone will strive for a funnier Thursday Detention. Vote budderball for President, CEO, and Editor-in-Chief of Thursday Detention.
- Start another pandemic. It’s a shame the monkeypox virus didn’t take off.
- Spread more misinformation. We need affirm ourselves as a reliable source of news for freshmen.
- Plagiarize old articles. How would you know? I don’t believe for a second you’d ever look at articles from previous years; it’s already difficult enough to navigate to our newest edition.
I hope with my redirection of Thursday Detention LLC we will return to our former glory of receiving lawsuit threats from Elizabeth McGregor and stock photo photographers!