1.5
Dedicated to the Ghost Town of New York City
Through some fantastical gift, we have been granted a final debate between Biden and Trump, and, though I already said goodbye, I have to return to cover this newest installment. Although we wanted muted mics (though I stand by the orchestral symphony idea), the lack of interruption was a little unnerving after the heated exchanges last time. But, from a public health standpoint, Pew actually found that muting the microphones decreased levels of anxiety in Americans by 352% so, perhaps it was a smart move.*
I couldn’t help but notice that Trump was wearing a red tie, and Biden a blue one to denote their party allegiances. Perhaps this is an unspoken rule I was unaware of, to wear your parties ties in the last debate (since they had striped ones last time), but I’d prefer to imagine the wardrobe teams calling each other to determine the outfits, and the fashion designers trying to determine which hue of red or blue to choose. I mean forget partisan issues, can you imagine the drama in the Trump camp about whether to pick Candy Apple Red or Ruby Red for the tie?
I couldn’t help but notice that Trump was wearing a red tie, and Biden a blue one to denote their party allegiances. Perhaps this is an unspoken rule I was unaware of, to wear your parties ties in the last debate (since they had striped ones last time), but I’d prefer to imagine the wardrobe teams calling each other to determine the outfits, and the fashion designers trying to determine which hue of red or blue to choose. I mean forget partisan issues, can you imagine the drama in the Trump camp about whether to pick Candy Apple Red or Ruby Red for the tie?
Now, I have to give credit to Biden’s team yet again, since, although Biden was taking a very moderate stance, he was reeling in those radical teenagers with his cool new slang. We saw him pull out the “No *heart emoji*” when asked if he wanted to respond and the “PERIOD” after laying out his policies. If he thinks this is enough to fully win us over, though, he’ll need to think again. He doesn’t have my vote until he can incorporate, “period queen, you tell em” or “I was an employee, and you would do it too for a check” into a normal political speech. I think Trump’s “I’m the least racist person in this room” line would have been the perfect cue for Biden to do a hand slap over his mouth like the kids are doing these days. He was also quick to “throw shade,” when he said he didn’t see the US as red states and blue states and then proceeded to point out that the recent spikes in cases have, in fact, been in red states. The whole line about only seeing the United States is definitely something I would have written for a fake campaign speech in eighth grade, but I respect the sentiment. There was also something slightly off about Biden’s eye placement this time around. Instead of staring down the camera, he often seemed to be looking slightly off, like a middle school theater kid who has been told to look ahead at the wall instead of the audience. Joe, we’re over here! This isn’t Into the Woods. You’re allowed to look at us.
Although, I’m not sure if Trump’s performance was really show-stopping either. Trump calling Dr. Fauci, “Anthony” has the exact same energy as accidently calling a teacher their first name to their face. I’m also sure Dr. Fauci is pissed because if you’ve ever met anyone with a PhD or MD you know that “Dr.” always has to be placed before any address to them, or they’ll fly into an uncontrollable, Hulk-like rage. It was probably a rough night in the Fauci-Grady household. Then, when Trump talked about getting Covid, he said he “learned a lot,” which is what my mom said to me after she “learned a lot” about forest fire management when we had to evacuate our house. Maybe next we can all go outside and “learn a lot” about the murder hornets! I’m usually a big proponent of education, but it seems like maybe we should just take this year as a big vacation and try not to learn anything new about the world. Ignorance is bliss, am I right? Well, actually maybe Donald needs a couple more lessons. For example, he said the US is working with a number of other countries, “in particular Europe.” It’s okay, though, Donald. We all get mixed up sometimes, but you might be thinking of the EU, which is an international governing body, because Europe is a continent, not a country. Again, I get it, he’s not too good with international diplomacy. I guess I can’t hold that against him. Hey, at least he thought Europe was a country instead of Africa.
Well, I guess this really is goodbye then. I’m going to miss Don and Joe’s silly antics at these debates and all the fun we’ve had together. And now there’s just one more ounce of wisdom I want to impart onto all you: if you can, please go vote. The fate of democracy depends on it. Whether you are doing mail-in, drop off, or in person, look down at your ballot and bubble in for the next President of the United States “Kanye West.”
Although, I’m not sure if Trump’s performance was really show-stopping either. Trump calling Dr. Fauci, “Anthony” has the exact same energy as accidently calling a teacher their first name to their face. I’m also sure Dr. Fauci is pissed because if you’ve ever met anyone with a PhD or MD you know that “Dr.” always has to be placed before any address to them, or they’ll fly into an uncontrollable, Hulk-like rage. It was probably a rough night in the Fauci-Grady household. Then, when Trump talked about getting Covid, he said he “learned a lot,” which is what my mom said to me after she “learned a lot” about forest fire management when we had to evacuate our house. Maybe next we can all go outside and “learn a lot” about the murder hornets! I’m usually a big proponent of education, but it seems like maybe we should just take this year as a big vacation and try not to learn anything new about the world. Ignorance is bliss, am I right? Well, actually maybe Donald needs a couple more lessons. For example, he said the US is working with a number of other countries, “in particular Europe.” It’s okay, though, Donald. We all get mixed up sometimes, but you might be thinking of the EU, which is an international governing body, because Europe is a continent, not a country. Again, I get it, he’s not too good with international diplomacy. I guess I can’t hold that against him. Hey, at least he thought Europe was a country instead of Africa.
Well, I guess this really is goodbye then. I’m going to miss Don and Joe’s silly antics at these debates and all the fun we’ve had together. And now there’s just one more ounce of wisdom I want to impart onto all you: if you can, please go vote. The fate of democracy depends on it. Whether you are doing mail-in, drop off, or in person, look down at your ballot and bubble in for the next President of the United States “Kanye West.”
* this statistic is (unfortunately) made up.
1.4
In Which Public Opinion of Flies Transforms
The Vice-Presidential Debate was a little bit of a letdown. Where was the heat, the tension between the candidates? Where were the endless personal attacks? The speaking over each other? It felt like watching “House Hunters International” right after “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Sure, there’s a little tension (are they going to pick the smaller house in a neighborhood they really like or the one with more amenities outside the city!), but no one is throwing shoes at each other.
The debate seemed like the perfect stage for some fiery arguments. It was like a Thanksgiving dinner, a showdown between your liberal aunt and conservative grandpa (who keeps bringing up the swine flu for some reason). Except your liberal aunt is an elementary school teacher who grins and nods along as their student tries to explain to them that 2+2=5. And your grandpa is the human embodiment of those white cats that classic villains always have.
The perfect combination, right? Well...there were still a few things they could have done better: for one, there were numerous references to “the American people.” (A little counter on the bottom would have been fun). I think the candidates thought we would be grateful for being mentioned in the debate, but this really could have been better done if, instead of saying “the American people,” the candidates listed the names of every single one of those American people (and yes, that includes undocumented immigrants). And, if they really wanted to spice it up, they could change the order up: alphabetical, reverse-alphabetical, completely random.
I also think Mike needs a lesson from the English Department on academic integrity, since he would not have passed cleanly through Turnitin. He used the phrase, “You’re entitled to your own opinion. You’re not entitled to your own facts,” which is a quote from Daniel Patrick Moynihan. I’m going to need a bibliography on that one bud, and make it annotated.
Kamala was taking quite a few notes during the debate but it really didn’t look like her pen was from Muji, which (as a voter) is kind of a red flag. If there is any proof that it was a Pilot G2, then maybe she can be redeemed (but only if it’s 0.38 mm). She also tried to play the best-friend-after-a-breakup role with the line “You deserve better America,” but it felt kind of hollow without a tub of ice cream and a romcom.
And now, you’re wondering why I haven’t brought up the fly yet. Well, in the spirit of negativity, I have some critiques for the fly as well. Everyone was applauding it as the hero of the debate, and while I can certainly appreciate the zest it brought, I can also see the underlying political play here. As you can imagine, the flies have seen the war that scientists are waging on mosquitoes right now and are looking to protect themselves by ridiculing the Trump administration. It just felt a little heavy handed with how long the fly was on Pence’s head, as if to say, “Hey America, are you watching? Look at me!” This is just like the flies to make this election all about them, and honestly, I think the big money within fly politics is getting out of hand.
It looks like this might be the last review from Thursday Detention since Trump refuses to hold a debate online. While some people say that’s a bad look, it’s an understandable position if the debate is supposed to be held on Microsoft Teams. If the debate does happen, you know we’ll be back with more commentary, but if it doesn’t au revoir (that means “see ya suckers” in French).
The debate seemed like the perfect stage for some fiery arguments. It was like a Thanksgiving dinner, a showdown between your liberal aunt and conservative grandpa (who keeps bringing up the swine flu for some reason). Except your liberal aunt is an elementary school teacher who grins and nods along as their student tries to explain to them that 2+2=5. And your grandpa is the human embodiment of those white cats that classic villains always have.
The perfect combination, right? Well...there were still a few things they could have done better: for one, there were numerous references to “the American people.” (A little counter on the bottom would have been fun). I think the candidates thought we would be grateful for being mentioned in the debate, but this really could have been better done if, instead of saying “the American people,” the candidates listed the names of every single one of those American people (and yes, that includes undocumented immigrants). And, if they really wanted to spice it up, they could change the order up: alphabetical, reverse-alphabetical, completely random.
I also think Mike needs a lesson from the English Department on academic integrity, since he would not have passed cleanly through Turnitin. He used the phrase, “You’re entitled to your own opinion. You’re not entitled to your own facts,” which is a quote from Daniel Patrick Moynihan. I’m going to need a bibliography on that one bud, and make it annotated.
Kamala was taking quite a few notes during the debate but it really didn’t look like her pen was from Muji, which (as a voter) is kind of a red flag. If there is any proof that it was a Pilot G2, then maybe she can be redeemed (but only if it’s 0.38 mm). She also tried to play the best-friend-after-a-breakup role with the line “You deserve better America,” but it felt kind of hollow without a tub of ice cream and a romcom.
And now, you’re wondering why I haven’t brought up the fly yet. Well, in the spirit of negativity, I have some critiques for the fly as well. Everyone was applauding it as the hero of the debate, and while I can certainly appreciate the zest it brought, I can also see the underlying political play here. As you can imagine, the flies have seen the war that scientists are waging on mosquitoes right now and are looking to protect themselves by ridiculing the Trump administration. It just felt a little heavy handed with how long the fly was on Pence’s head, as if to say, “Hey America, are you watching? Look at me!” This is just like the flies to make this election all about them, and honestly, I think the big money within fly politics is getting out of hand.
It looks like this might be the last review from Thursday Detention since Trump refuses to hold a debate online. While some people say that’s a bad look, it’s an understandable position if the debate is supposed to be held on Microsoft Teams. If the debate does happen, you know we’ll be back with more commentary, but if it doesn’t au revoir (that means “see ya suckers” in French).
1.3
A Colossal Train Wreck
a disaster
It’s a well known fact that oratory is really just a covert way of saying hypnosis. So, I’m here to help break down some of the candidates’ techniques from this debate so you can be ready to spot them next time. They really delved deep into the complex issues facing Americans today and made clear use of their time in articulating their stances and future actions. But don’t be fooled by their well developed arguments because we have the inside scoop on what each campaign has done to try to hypnotize voters.
We saw the return of a few important tactics that Trump has been known to use over the years. If you look closely you’ll notice there are a times when he utilizes his telltale “OK” gesture, creating a circle with his thumb and index finger. In this debate he is trying to use this hand position to get voters to forget about his tax returns. I actually have a great tip for you to prevent that from happening! If you stare right into the circle and say the phrase “I pay more in taxes than the president,” you should be good to go.
Now this gesture is actually a double-whammy, which is why you’ll see Joe Biden keeping his eyes up whenever it appears. He knows the rules; if Donny were to move it below his waist, he has full constitutional ability to punch the shit out of Joe. The Biden campaign knows they can't take that kind of hit this late in the game.
Another Trump tactic is the frequent use of repetition. And I don’t mean sticking to a few catch phrases throughout the debate, but literally just repeating the same phrase a couple of times in a sentence. For example, early in the night, he mentions receiving support from “top top academics.” We have it on good authority that if the camera had panned to his notes you would have seen 98 more “top”s, that unfortunately the time constraints of the two minute speech just wouldn’t allow for. Everyone knows that the more times you say something the truer it becomes.
Now, the final tactic I wanted to address is the pursed lipped duck face that Trump uses throughout the debate. In all honesty, I was a little disappointed with the performance tonight in that regard, and I think he could have really benefited from overlining his lips using a Kylie Lip Kit. In fact, this duck face Trump makes is actually supposed to remind voters of Kylie Jenner, since Trump is, like her, an entirely self-made billionaire with no financial controversies. This trick has proven to be particularly effective and devastating for the Biden campaign, for now I would advise simply averting your eyes as much as possible.
Then there’s the fact that Trump entirely uses straw-man arguments and diversions from the topic at hand (lol like when he wouldn’t even explicitly condemn white supremacist terrorist organizations), but that’s not that important to voters anyway.
We saw the return of a few important tactics that Trump has been known to use over the years. If you look closely you’ll notice there are a times when he utilizes his telltale “OK” gesture, creating a circle with his thumb and index finger. In this debate he is trying to use this hand position to get voters to forget about his tax returns. I actually have a great tip for you to prevent that from happening! If you stare right into the circle and say the phrase “I pay more in taxes than the president,” you should be good to go.
Now this gesture is actually a double-whammy, which is why you’ll see Joe Biden keeping his eyes up whenever it appears. He knows the rules; if Donny were to move it below his waist, he has full constitutional ability to punch the shit out of Joe. The Biden campaign knows they can't take that kind of hit this late in the game.
Another Trump tactic is the frequent use of repetition. And I don’t mean sticking to a few catch phrases throughout the debate, but literally just repeating the same phrase a couple of times in a sentence. For example, early in the night, he mentions receiving support from “top top academics.” We have it on good authority that if the camera had panned to his notes you would have seen 98 more “top”s, that unfortunately the time constraints of the two minute speech just wouldn’t allow for. Everyone knows that the more times you say something the truer it becomes.
Now, the final tactic I wanted to address is the pursed lipped duck face that Trump uses throughout the debate. In all honesty, I was a little disappointed with the performance tonight in that regard, and I think he could have really benefited from overlining his lips using a Kylie Lip Kit. In fact, this duck face Trump makes is actually supposed to remind voters of Kylie Jenner, since Trump is, like her, an entirely self-made billionaire with no financial controversies. This trick has proven to be particularly effective and devastating for the Biden campaign, for now I would advise simply averting your eyes as much as possible.
Then there’s the fact that Trump entirely uses straw-man arguments and diversions from the topic at hand (lol like when he wouldn’t even explicitly condemn white supremacist terrorist organizations), but that’s not that important to voters anyway.
This wasn’t a one sided debate and we saw Biden make some devastating blows as well. He frequently flashed smiles to the camera, showing off his sparkling pearly whites. You really have to be careful with this one, because they say that if you stare too long at his teeth you’ll start believing in Medicare for All so that you too can get free dental care.* To counteract this trick you’re going to want to grab some powdered instant coffee and smear it across your teeth; the caffeine will wake you up from Biden’s spell and it will stain your teeth to help you escape that socialist nightmare.
So, one really big thing that Joe does is to stare straight down the camera and call on “the American people,” like an older, balding Uncle Sam. What you need to do whenever he does this is grab an uno reverse card (ideally in red or blue), slap it down on the nearest surface, and then point aggressively back at him. And then go vote (actually please bc democracy is dying). One really sad side effect of Biden frequently looking at the camera is that you can actually see Trump staring wistfully at him. Unrequited love is truly painful to see...on national television.
This next tactic from the Biden campaign is one that is really going to shock you, and you’ll wonder how you didn’t notice it before. If you look closely, you’ll see that Joe often gestures with a pen in his hand. This is actually a subtle but deliberate move on the part of the Biden team to get out the youth vote since the fear of #30 getting marked on papers is a major motivator for swing voters. Again, here we really can offer no solution; this is very well played on Biden’s part.
And finally, be wary of Joe’s slow, calming voice! You wouldn’t want to fall asleep and miss the informative and intellectual debate happening before the American people!
The chaos of the debate makes it abundantly clear that neither candidate has ever been a woman or racial minority in a meeting. So here are my top 3 tips to get white men to shut the fuck up:
*Note: Biden actually doesn't support Medicare for all, but the joke was too good to take out.
So, one really big thing that Joe does is to stare straight down the camera and call on “the American people,” like an older, balding Uncle Sam. What you need to do whenever he does this is grab an uno reverse card (ideally in red or blue), slap it down on the nearest surface, and then point aggressively back at him. And then go vote (actually please bc democracy is dying). One really sad side effect of Biden frequently looking at the camera is that you can actually see Trump staring wistfully at him. Unrequited love is truly painful to see...on national television.
This next tactic from the Biden campaign is one that is really going to shock you, and you’ll wonder how you didn’t notice it before. If you look closely, you’ll see that Joe often gestures with a pen in his hand. This is actually a subtle but deliberate move on the part of the Biden team to get out the youth vote since the fear of #30 getting marked on papers is a major motivator for swing voters. Again, here we really can offer no solution; this is very well played on Biden’s part.
And finally, be wary of Joe’s slow, calming voice! You wouldn’t want to fall asleep and miss the informative and intellectual debate happening before the American people!
The chaos of the debate makes it abundantly clear that neither candidate has ever been a woman or racial minority in a meeting. So here are my top 3 tips to get white men to shut the fuck up:
- Pull an academy awards and just cut their microphone. Or better yet, bring in a full ensemble orchestra to drown them out. You don’t have to worry about not understanding what’s happening in the debate if you can’t even hear it over the Bach!
- Incentivize good behavior! Every time a candidate makes it through their opponents speech WITHOUT interrupting, they’re rewarded with a treat. I personally would suggest marshmallows, since they’re a good reminder of basic self control.
- Add one high school English student into the debate to interject every 5 minutes with, “just to piggyback off of that idea,” and then have them ramble for 10 minutes each time.
*Note: Biden actually doesn't support Medicare for all, but the joke was too good to take out.