If you want to ask Alph a question for the next issue, click here!

4.5

Stories of Fame

Dear Alph, 
I have just entered my peak era of fame in alfalfa sales. I was wondering how to handle autograph questions? Where do I autograph someone? What situation would warrant an autograph? What do I write when I autograph?
Sincerely,
MILF 

4.4
Existentialism

Dear Alph,
What is the meaning of life?
- Will Schuester

​Alph says...

Dear lovely mother, 
I always go for the fan's Holy Bible. I usually write my phone number, or my manager's name. Never sign your own name. Identity theft is a plague you must avoid at all costs. 
​-- Alph

​

​Alph says...

Dear Haunting Glee Character,
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle and compost.
​-- Alph

4.3

An Affair

Dear Alph, 
I am woefully in love with Joe Burrow. How do I tell my husband of 45 years? 
​- Juliet

Alph says...

Dear Romancer,
I too, am in love with Joe. I think we all are. I think it's only considered an affair when the person you cheat with has not captured the hearts of an entire nation. I really wouldn't worry. 
​-- Alph

4.2

Therapy

Dear Alph, 
​My therapist smells like rotten eggs. We have created such a vulnerable and unbreakable bond, but I am so frightened that if I break the news that she smells like she's a corpse, she'll fire me as a patient. What do I do?
Help,
 - Mentally Unwell

4.1

A Fearful Fraud

Dear Alph,

I'm terrified i'm living a lie. This year, my New Year's Resolution was to continue being a vegan. I have been very public and proud about my veganism online and especially around my friends and family. However, I still eat cheese, yogurt, and eggs. Is veganism a self fulfilling prophecy? If I believe I am a vegan will I be a vegan? Or do I have to abide by vegan laws in order to be a true vegan? 

Yours truly,
 - Probable Paleo

3.3
​

A Lost Soul​

Dear Alph,

I have a problem—I am lonely. I even wear eyeliner and doc martens and not one girl has asked me for my Spotify. The other day, I put rose quartz in my bra to get ready for a date, and the furthest we got was telling each other “you’re so pretty” until she had to leave to water her cactus. Unlike me, however, you (Alph) absolutely exude alpha male energy. Please help me find a girlfriend. Perhaps help me find a girlfriend who isn’t a virgo—i’m a sagittarius, so it really wouldn’t work out. 

- virgophobe


​

3.2

The Possible Non-Living Noun

Dear Alph, 
I'm having a quarter life crisis. I think I am slowly turning into an inanimate object. I keep having weird dreams about living the life of a binder clip, and i always wake up in hot sweats. What do I do? Am I actually just a binder clip? How do I know if I am inanimate? How do I break the news to my family?
Respond quick!
 - I'm Growing Springs

Alph says...  
Dear Coward, stench is something that does not go unnoticed. If I were you, I would not to TELL your therapist that she smells bad, but rather, ask her WHY she smells so bad intentionally, and make sure she isn't plotting against you. 
-- Alph

 

Alph says...

Dear Societal Problem, 
I feel you. I also partook in fraudulent veganism myself, back in the day, but I couldn't give up the products I loved. The fame and glory associated with veganism was too much to turn down, but at the same time, I felt like I was living a double life. I was fake to myself, my family, foes, and friends.
My advice to you is to be true to yourself. What is it that you are truly searching for in veganism? Is it glory? If so, turn to woodworking. Is it for a healthy detoxification or turnover of your diet? Try eating plain cloth to cleanse your intestines. 
All in all, there are many routes to take but I urge you to stop living a life that you simply don't want. Be true to who you are and allow yourself to search for what you really want, and go for it. 
Sincerely,
--Alph

Alph says...

Dear Unlucky in Love,
Fret no more, Alph is here to help. This is my best advice to you: be bolder. Accentuate your features and interests. Ask yourself, “Do I wear enough eyeliner? Do I have enough lucky crystals? are my doc martens big enough?” If not, the answer is always more. More eyeliner. More energy-healing crystals. more, and bigger docs. If you’re feeling extra adventurous, consider branching out beyond doc martens. Invest in bigger platforms- and I mean Willow-Smith-rock-album type platforms. Lastly, and most importantly, be yourself. I encourage you to emphasize your interests to catch the attention of others, but never change yourself for them. You’ll be fine, especially if you’re confident enough to advertise your own Spotify. 

Carry on, lost soul. Just don’t forget to add a little bit of (old) spice.
​ -- Alph
​

   

Alph says...

Dear Inanimacy, 
You're not alone. In the old days, when I was a youngster myself, I believed I was a rock for the last two years of high school. It made all the sense in the world. I loved rock and roll, I could do back, side, and front rolls, and I was just so incredibly hot and meaty in high school, that everyone mistook me for the Rock, as in, Dwayne. 
The point is, don't fret, my friend. This too shall pass. For now, maybe just try to imagine yourself as inanimate objects that are actually exciting (why did you choose a binder clip of all things???) Maybe you're actually slowly turning into dung beetle, or an Erewhon smoothie. 
I hope this helps, 
-- Alph

3.1

Dear Reader,  
My name is Alph, and I’m the fraternal twin of Alf. Last May, after resigning from his issue-ly “Dear Alf” series, my brother took to retirement quite well. He settled down in rural New Hampshire, and started a podcast series on SoundCloud. 
While I am overjoyed Alf has found peace in retirement, I realized over the summer that the year wouldn’t feel the same without his advice. Without the Dear Alf series, who would answer people’s deepest darkest questions and secrets? Who would be the one to sacrifice their Thursday to take the weight off a stranger’s shoulders? If it couldn’t be Alf, it will have to be Alph.  
So here I am folks. Ripe and ready. Ask me anything. ANYTHING. As a fraternal twin, I know a thing or two about twin science, and I can confidently say Alf and I shared a brain in the womb, which is why I know everything he knows.  There is nothing you could ask him that you can't ask me.
Your pal,
Alph 


If you want to read Alf's advice from our 2020-2021 publishing year, click here!